Desperately Seeking Amusement

READ MY STORIES GOSH DANG IT

2011-08-08T12:09:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't blogged in ages, but right now I'm on a real writing streak. I recently had a story published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Just for Teenagers. This has inspired me to keep churning out more stories. I've been sending in more stories to Chicken Soup like a madman, as well as adding my previous writings to Author Stand. Author Stand is having a short story-writing contest and the deadline is in October. I can enter as many short stories as I want, so my plan until October is to write, write, write.

Please help me out by visiting my page on Author Stand and reading my stories! You will have to register, but it's quick and free, and then you can download my eBooks in PDF format to your computer, iPod, eBook reader, whatever you like to read your eBooks on.

Please support a freelance author! I will be forever grateful! :)

http://shop.authorstand.com/Authors/2147-marady-owens.aspx

I'm a Veggie!

2011-03-14T00:07:00.001-04:00

So for the past month or two I've been seriously cutting back on my meat intake. First I cut out beef, then pork, then chicken. Seafood was a no since I ate some calamari in Toronto last month that tasted more like rubber. I don't like seafood anyway. So Thursday night I ate my last portion of meat - a delicious turkey sub. I've been doing a lot of research lately (PETA, PETA2, meat.org, Action for Animals) and I'm pretty disgusted with the meat industry and appalled with the way animals are treated. For a long time I thought animals were slaughtered the way Farmer Hoggett did it on the movie Babe - quick and painless. But a few years ago I saw some stuff on Oprah and knew sooner or later I had to stop eating meat and animal products and by-products.

I didn't make a New Year's resolution for 2011, but I ended up resolving to go vegan. Gradually. However, I thought it would take a while to do so. I figured, idunno, a year? Nope. The more I read, the guiltier and sicker I started to feel whenever the possibility of eating meat was suggested. I'm actually glad it happened this way, because it makes it easier.

So today, Sunday as I'm writing this, is the third day I've been meat-free. It isn't much, and I'm not vegan yet, but I'm very excited! I thought I'd feel hindered by the lack of food, but I've realized there are so many possibilities out there. I'm actually excited about grocery shopping! Okay, I always get excited about grocery shopping. Food is awesome. But now I'm even more excited.

So Friday I ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich on white bread for lunch and for dinner I had macaroni and cheese (the cheese was some "Chedda Spreada" and melted cheese slices) and garlic cheese bread (with cheddar and mozarella. Yummm). I had a nice midnight snack of cheddar Sun Chips, Wheat Thins with Laughing Cow cheese, chocolate cream pie, strawberries, and some homemade strawberry-peach frozen yogurt. So yeah, maybe not super healthy, but it was delicious AND meat-free!

Saturday I had some Honey Nut Cheerios with milk for breakfast...or maybe that was lunch. And for dinner I had spicy chicken Mr. Noodles (I've never been so happy about artificial flavouring) and more homemade garlic cheese bread.

As for today on Sunday - even though it just turned into Monday - I had Honey Nut Cheerios with milk again, and for dinner I had a lovely cheese pizza with black olives, potato wedges, and GASP - more garlic cheese bread!

I'm about to kick into health mode though. My mama just bought a selection of vitamins today to supplement my diet, as well as quite a lot of meat-free foods. I've yet to explore tofu and veggie dogs, so for now I'll see what I can do with such common wonders as cucumbers, apples, crackers, cheese, pasta, bread, peanut butter....mmmm I'm getting hungry. :)

So, I may have some haters (no idea why people give a goddamn what I eat, but some people are a little outraged and need to get a life), but I'm very proud of myself!!

Now if you'll excuse me I have some food to eat.

Jenny's Army

2011-03-11T16:43:00.002-05:00

My camera still lacks batteries but that's okay because I have started an animal rights organization!
Please help me out by visiting the following links!

http://www.jennysarmy.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jennys-Army/195470040476201
www.twitter.com/jennysarmy

Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter! I'll love you forever!!!

Ranting While Medicated

2011-02-26T22:12:00.002-05:00

I am completely miserable.

It's the end of February and I'm finally sick. I tend to get sick in the fall and then again in the winter, but somehow I sneaked stealthily through the fall without coming down with anything. Finally it hits me. My throat feels like the outer walls of a cactus - little tiny spines pricking me every time I swallow. My mouth is as dry as the Sahara and no matter how much I drink, nothing changes. Also, my stomach hurts so I don't want to drink too much anyway. Goddamn stomach ache. I feel the physical need to eat. My stomach growls and burns. FEED MEEEEE, it cries. But I think of food and shudder. Even the bowl of chicken noodle soup my mama made for me didn't do much to brighten my spirits.

The cough sucks quite a great deal as well. I feel like my lungs are filled with toxic swamp mud. Every time I cough I get a mouthful of it - not that you need to know that..
Being sleepy is the best part. I have acquired this magical power to sleep at almost any given time. I just need to snuggle down under the covers and BAM. Suddenly it's four hours later. Sleeping to pass the time when sick is truly a great thing.

The only problem is, I can't sleep all the time, no matter how tired I am. I go through the necessary motions - pee, wash hands, take cough medicine, drink, eat a few crackers or whatever my stomach can handle - and then I'm left wondering what to do to kill the time before my next nap. I'm much too cranky and sleepy to shower. Yes, I realize that's disgusting, but I'm not really maintaining a proper showering pattern because I completely lost track of the days due to all of this excessive sleeping. I shower when I've reached the point of being so greasy I can't stand myself. The effort exhausts me and I usually fall asleep right after, but just the thought of showering makes me want to fall asleep right now. Cleaning myself is so tiring.

My pets are very demanding. I think they went a day or two without any fresh veggies, which I feel very guilty about. I still gave them their feed and their hay, but making salad is beyond my capabilities right now. I somehow mustered the strength to make some last night, and that was impressive. I feel very negligent, but let's face it, I'm also neglecting myself at the moment. My immune system sucks. I get sick very easily and when it hits, it hits me hard.

I'm having trouble focusing when it comes to movies. I watched Igor last night and was bored stiff, and I started watching The Little Prince, which was decent enough without all the crappy singing, but then it just got boring and repetetive. I enjoyed the book, but the book was small and this movie doesn't seem very small. So I've resorted to reading, which is a good thing since I've gotten out of the habit of writing as regularly as a writer should write, so what better way to ease me back into it than reading a lot?

The problem is, I'm a horrible critic. I'm extremely cruel and harsh. My mother says not to waste my time reading a book I don't think is well written, but to be honest if I did that, I'd only read one book per year if I'm lucky. I don't claim to be an amazing writer myself, but I can spot another amazing writer. I can spot a good writer, a decent writer, and most often, I can spot a bad writer. Most stories out there are excellent. It's just the way they're executed that pisses me off. I don't know how so many horribly written books get published. Too much description or not enough, boring and unneeded filler, sentences written as though intended for a five-year-old - this is mostly what I come across when I pick up a book. I don't want to be a snob, but I guess I'm a literary snob. Even my favourite author, Stephen King, sometimes disappoints me to the extreme. Some of his writing is disastrous.

So what did I read since getting sick? The Incredible Journey. Now don't get me wrong, because I love the story and I love animals and I love the movie Homeward Bound, but this book was boring for the most part. The animals didn't even talk! And I had trouble understanding just how much these animals loved their owners, since the book started off after they'd gone to stay with someone else. It would've been a much more emotional story if there had been an opening chapter showcasing the bond between the animals and their human family.

On a random sidenote, my hamster Rocky keeps falling off his wheel.

Anyway enough rambling for now. I'm gonna go find another stupid book to read. I'd gladly welcome suggestions for great reads, but they'll go on my mental waiting list, since I have two bookcases full of books in my bedroom that I need to read.

To the bookcase!

FAIL

2011-02-23T03:20:00.000-05:00

Appointments, personal drama, looking after pets, coming down with a cold...
I never thought I'd be TOO busy to take one picture every day. Oh and also the fact that my camera's batteries stopped working might also have something to do with it.

I'll catch up with the pictures as soon as I can. On a different note, I almost got beaten up the other night by a drunk 16-year-old who accused me of trying to steal her boyfriend. The world is silly.

(Oh and I also ate my very first pita! YEAH!)

100 Day Photo Challenge: Day 2

2011-02-07T23:57:00.004-05:00

Day 2 - A photo that makes you happy

I took this photo on Canada Day (July 1st, for all you international folks) when Jordan and I were out roaming downtown after watching the fireworks. This empty store, for some strange reason, had stuffed animals displayed in its front display windows. This turtle made me very happy. And it still does. :)

100 Day Photo Challenge: Day 1

2011-02-06T19:51:00.005-05:00

I've decided to do the 100 Day Photo Challenge. There are many lists of "challenge prompts" out there, and this is the one I selected. As I'm writing this, I haven't even read the whole list, so let's see what sort of challenge this actually is. Starting today, on February 6th, 2011, I'm going to post one picture a day. This gives you a very good excuse to check out my blog every day, wink wink!

Day 1 - A picture of yourself taken on the first day of the challenge

(It didn't specify that I have to be alone, so here's me and my guinea pig, Pepe!)

FULL LIST

Day 1 - A picture of yourself taken on the first day of the challenge

Day 2 - A photo that makes you happy

Day 3- Favorite book that you own

Day 4 - A picture of yourself 10 years ago

Day 5 - A place that makes you happy.

Day 6 - Your favorite quote, in your handwriting

Day 7 - Something You love

Day 8- A picture of the best moment of your life

Day 9 - A talent of yours

Day 10 - Your bedroom (In it's current state)

Day 11 - Your favorite food

Day 12 - A prized possession

Day 13 - Favorite board game

Day 14 - Something you hate

Day 15 - Your childhood home

Day 16 - Something embarrsing in your room

Day 17 - Your pet(s)

Day 18 - Your favorite outfit

Day 19 - One of the best days of your life

Day 20 - Your Grades/Report card

Day 21 - A picture of your cell phone

Day 22 - Favorite cd that you own

Day 23 - A school picture

Day 24 - Favorite purchase ever made

Day 25 - A gift from a friend

Day 26 - A gift from your family

Day 27 - The shoes you wore today

Day 28 - The shirt you wore today

Day 29 - A pretty flower(yes go take a picture of a flower)

Day 30 - Your breakfast

Day 31 - A picture of yourself taken today

Day 32 - Something you collect

Day 33 - Something you made

Day 34 - Something that makes you smile

Day 35 - Favorite movie that you own

Day 36 - A place were you spend alot of time

Day 37 - The last restaurant you ate at

Day 38 - A useless tricket you own

Day 39 - Your favorite picture

Day 40 - An embarassing picture from your rchildhood

Day 41 - Someone in your family

Day 42 - Something you did today

Day 43 - The weather outside

Day 44 - A hobby of yours

Day 45 - Your favorite food

Day 46 - A picture of your favorite state

Day 47 - A room in your house

Day 48 - Your bestfriend

Day 49 - A day your remember really well

Day 50 - Something you drew

Day 51 - Something passed down from your parents/grandparents

Day 52 - A picture of yourself celebrating for getting this far

Day 53 - The last thing you bought

Day 54 - A picture of yourself from middle school

Day 55 - What your wearing today

Day 56 - A drawing of your favorite cartoon charcter

Day 57 - Everything inside your purse/backpack/wallet

Day 58 - Your favorite animal

Day 59 - Your most used electronic device

Day 60 - Last movie you watched

Day 61 - School class picture

Day 62 - Last place you traveled to

Day 63 - Sports awards

Day 64 - Favorite childhood book

Day 65 - A picture of you and your bestfriend

Day 66 - A picture in your room

Day 67 - Something Green

Day 68 - A magazine you like

Day 69 - Something Red

Day 70 - Something you borrowed from someone else

Day 71 - A picture of your favorite piece of jewelry

Day 72 - A stuffed animal

Day 73 - Your lunch

Day 74 - Something you found under your bed

Day 75 - You and a friend

Day 76 - Something that annoys you

Day 77 - The last thing that you bought

Day 78 - Your sunglasses

Day 79 - A ticket from somewhere you've been

Day 80 - Your favorite childhood movie

Day 81 - Something you baked

Day 82 - The most embarrssing thing in your closet

Day 83 - The moon tonite

Day 84 - Your favorite pair of shorts

Day 85 - Something Pink

Day 86 - Something your mom bought you

Day 87 - Something you hold dear to your heart

Day 88 - Your bathroom

Day 89 - What's in your fridge?

Day 90 - Your current school photo

Day 91 - Something that made you smile today

Day 92 - Something wierd in your house

Day 93 - The view from your bedroom window

Day 94 - What your doing right now

Day 95 - Something yellow

Day 96 - A place you went today

Day 97 - Something heart shaped

Day 98 - Your favorite nail polish color

Day 99 - Something that makes you feel accomplished

Day 100 - The final picture of yourself.

Another Turning Point

2011-02-02T22:43:00.004-05:00

Some people live their whole lives without ever finding love. I'm only eighteen years old and I've found it already. I guess I found it too soon. Now I have to let it go.

Maybe I've been in love before, but it's hard to tell. My "first love" was someone I really cared about, but it was not the kind of complete and selfless love I know now. My second love was definitely love..just maybe not the romantic kind. This one is different. This one is the kind of love that makes you cry, that makes you smile, that makes you happy and sad. At least, that's what it does to me.

Just the thought of him dying is enough to reduce me to tears. I worry about him when he goes to work, knowing he has to drive on busy highways, sometimes in snowstorms and ice. I find things attractive in him that I never would find attractive in anyone else. The fact that I love him makes every part of his body beautiful, and every one of his personality quirks endearing. Even his imperfections.

Maybe I should hold onto him. He has never lied or cheated. I am the first girl he's loved, and the longest relationship he's had. And that's saying something, since's he's six years older than me. He treats me with respect. He comes to see me almost every night, makes me dinner, kisses me, hugs me, snuggles me. Sometimes he brings me presents - not the materialistic kind, but the special kind, the sentimental kind, the "I saw it and thought of you" kind. Sometimes we go out; to dinner, to the movies, to concerts, to parties. We've attended two weddings together. Spent time away from home together, spent countless nights at each other's houses. The things that count though are not always the times you go out, but the times you stay in. Being comfortable enough with each other to nap on the couch together, to spend time with each other's families, to spend a lazy weekend together watching cartoons, to order pizza more often than is healthy - it's magical in a simple sort of way.

We've been through a lot together. We've made each other smile and laugh, we've made each other happy, we've made each other angry. We've seen each other cry and wiped away each other's tears. To see such a strong man shedding tears is not an easy thing to see..and tells me he must really trust me. He's never cried in front of a girl before. It sounds strange, but I feel honoured that he's cried in front of me, shared something so intimate.

When I met him, I was headed for a bad place. I didn't believe in trust. I purposely distanced myself from people, especially guys. I couldn't let them get too close. I couldn't get hurt again. My intentions with him weren't bad, but I never intended to love him. I wanted to feel validated, to feel wanted. But the first night we kissed, he took me home from that crowded party and he never tried a thing. He kissed me, but his hands stayed polite. I expected him to try something. It would have been so easy. I was so young, so small, so eager to please. Instead, he kissed my shoulder. I almost cried. The tender kiss like that of a lover given to me by someone I barely knew. I'd met him, what - one, two weeks ago? I was not used to this. I was used to the wandering hands, the pleading for more, the feeling of being wanted for only one thing. I was not used to this gentle kissing with no expectation for anything else. What were his intentions with me?

He was the first guy to ever give me a flower. A red rose. My favourite flower. Did he even know that was my favourite flower? I like originality but I have to admit I'm a sucker for cliches and traditions, at least when it comes to romantic stuff.

Prince Edward Island welcomed us. Red sands, ocean water, an old house by the shore. Two magical nights spent on the Atlantic. Roaming the beach, exploring the towns, laying together in that old house full of sleeping people, the two of us awake late into the night in our own little world. He was the first man I ever danced with. My dad doesn't count.

We parted ways in September, only for him to come back, realizing he loved me. He loved me. I had been waiting for those words to escape his lips. I had loved him for some time, and he had feared he would never feel it. And so did I. But he did. He already did.

And I dragged him through hell. And he made me angry so often, and I didn't know if it was him or me. I'm not right in the head, I have too much going on. I expect too much. I'm still scared. I don't want to get hurt. I've finally opened up and let someone in and it's going to hurt. Those words rushed through my head like an endless marquee.
And it does. It does hurt. But I don't regret it. He has taught me so much. He has taught me how I deserve to be treated, what real love feels like, what it feels like to be comfortable with someone, what it feels like to know for sure, with no doubt, that someone loves me.

We've been through a lot. Good and bad. Neither of us wanted this to end, but we know we can't go on like this. We're two very different people. And for some reason we came together and fell in love.

We hold each other and cry. We weep for the good times we had that are over, we weep for the differences that are forcing us apart. We laugh and reminisce about all we've done together, tears still staining our faces.

The future scares me. He's been such a big part of my life for so long that I don't know how to live without him. Attractive young men have ceased to exist to me. The thought of intimacy with someone else makes my skin crawl. I know I'll feel loyal to him for some time to come. How could I ever kiss someone else without feeling like a cheater? Yet how can I be happy without someone to reach out and touch, to kiss, to make me feel wanted? I want to feel that, I just don't want to feel it with anyone but him. I'm stuck.

I have to be a teenager again. I don't want to. My dreams have been of marriage, children, a big house, the future. I don't want to return to the pressures of growing up. I wanted my growing up to be done. I wanted my future to be starting right now, with him. Instead, the future is a blank page.

Whatever happens, he will always be a huge part of me.
I love you, Jordan. Don't you ever forget that.

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life.....

-Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
Green Day

Jenny & the Pets!

2011-01-26T02:05:00.001-05:00

So my house has turned into a bit of a zoo and my pets now have a blog. Go figure.
Chances are, I'll be updating their blog more often than this one (don't worry, this blog isn't going anywhere), so pwetty pweez go check it out!

http://www.jennyandthepets.blogspot.com/

twentyeleven

2011-01-22T09:00:00.001-05:00

So the first month of 2011 is nearly over, and I decided to reflect upon my post from last New Year when I made some goals for 2010. Let's see...

1. Get some more holes in my body.
I somewhat accomplished this. I didn't get as many holes as I wanted, but I got my ears pierced a second time and got a spiffy lip ring.

<<<---lip ring

2. Get a job. Sadly I failed at this. Actually, my counsellor (who happens to be an awesome bald guy) said that due to my anxiety, he doesn't think I'm able to work. And I kinda have to agree. Hellooo panic attacks.
3. Get a bunny. I did not get a bunny. But my niece, Machaiah, got me a stuffed bunny for my birthday! And I got two guinea pigs at the end of the year, and two rats and another guinea pig already this year, so I'm rather content. (But I will definitely get a bunny sometime in the future.)
4. Go to at least one concert. I am proud to say I went to the Green Day concert in Toronto last August. It was effing awesome! I also attended a variety of open mic nights, house concerts, and EcoFest (small scale, very small scale).
5. Write a whole novel. I'm still working on this...maybe this year I'll accomplish it!
6. Start vlogging. My camcorder and my computer do not like me. Maybe one day in the near future?
7. Take advantage of the single life. I suppose I took advantage. But I'd really rather not talk about it. To be quite Frank (you can be Susan), I'm a little sick of teenager-ishness. Ouuuu single life. Blahh.
8. Get myself a man. I got myself a couple boyfriends in 2010. The first being Sam (he's a little boy, hahaha, oh crap he's reading this isn't he?) and then Jordan (a real man, hahaha, oh crap Sam's still reading this).
9. Get on TV. Uhmmmm as far as I'm aware I wasn't on TV. Oh well, plenty of time to be famous.
10. Learn to play guitar better, play drums, play piano, swim, horseback ride, get better at math, sing, draw better, cook, and make films. The only thing I even somewhat learned was cooking. Jeez, I fail.

All in all, 2010 was an eventful year even if I didn't accomplish most of my goals. The most eventful part of the year was going out east, and that wasn't even on my list!

eBooks?

2010-12-21T06:55:00.000-05:00

So I have to admit I'm a fan of good old-fashioned books made of paper and ink, but I do support the art of writing in any format. I don't think I personally could read a whole novel on a screen, but if that's how other people like to read their books, that's fantastic.

Since I'm not exactly a well-known author and I'd like to bulk up my own personal writing portfolio a bit while I'm working on getting my first novel written (and eventually published), I signed up for an account on authorstand.com and I'm VERY excited. It's free to have an account and free to publish your own eBooks in PDF format. It's also pretty damn awesome that you get to keep all the rights to your stories, which is one thing that has held me back from putting more of an effort into getting published in magazines. A lot of my short stories I want to expand into novels and try to have them published later, but I might run into a snag if a magazine owns the rights.

You can price your eBooks, with the exception of one. Every authorstand.com author must have at least one free eBook to let readers sample their work. For now I'm ignoring the temptation to price my short stories and poetry because I want people to see the "$0.00" price on my work and download away. Therefore, I get more readers and hopefully more recognition. Then if I get a little bit of a following, I can start pricing eBooks (low prices) without worrying that no one will buy them and therefore no one will read them.

So if you'd like to check out my writing, I'd be sososo appreciative. You can read my stuff here:
http://shop.authorstand.com/Authors/2147-marady-o.aspx

Thanks!!!

Vote for Meeeee

2010-12-15T20:05:00.000-05:00

Hey all! Today is the deadline for Dundurn's Ghostly Short Story Contest. I entered two short stories and one of them, Daddy In His Work Boots (lame title I know), is already posted up on the website for you to read and vote on. I'd appreciate it sososo much if you'd take the time to vote for me (and reading the story would be a nice gesture too). With only seven votes, it's already one of the "top rated stories" but there's some pretty tough competition out there, so I can use all the help I can get.

Read my story and vote for me here:

http://www.dundurn.com/ghoststory/story/daddy_his_work_boots_marady_o

I love you all!

My Winter Survival Plan: National G's

2010-11-22T05:16:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. The days are getting shorter, the air is getting colder. The sun doesn't penetrate the blinds on my bedroom window until after seven a.m., and it sets by five in the evening. I can no longer enjoy my once-frequent lone walks at night unless I wish to have a runny nose and ears so cold they make my head ache. Sometimes I wish I lived in Florida with Darci, where I could enjoy warm weather any time of the year. But I'm starting to embrace the cold winters as part of my life in Canada..where I plan on living for most, if not all, of my existence. However, that doesn't change the fact that it still kind of depresses me that soon we'll have some perma-snow on the ground and it won't disappear until March - AT LEAST. I've definitely seen blizzarding Aprils before and let me tell you, it doesn't do much for me. I guess the depressing part of winter isn't the snow and the cold and short days and long nights themselves, but the isolating, confining, claustrophobic, TRAPPED feeling they generate. For those looking forward to snowboarding, skiing, and ice-fishing, winter must seem full of possibilities. For someone like me who's never even attempted one of these activities (aside from skiing, which I had an unfortunate encounter with at a young age when I tried to ski down the slope beside my dad's house and ended up twisting my leg completely around, so my knee was pointing backward....yeah, ouch) winter just seems like a cold, dark blanket trying to smother me.

Or cuddle me. Yeah, I should look at it that way. Time for warm, comfy clothes and heaters and candles and books. Or, perhaps, every issue of National Geographic made between the 1960's to the 2000's.

My goal is to read all those issues of National Geographic before the snow (that hasn't arrived yet, thank god) melts. A few years ago my grandpa had a stroke and as a result now lives in a nursing home, unable to speak or read or do a lot of other things he used to be able to. Many of his possessions he's no longer able to use went to my uncles, I'm sure, but a lot of them also went to my mom. And me. Including his massive book collection and alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll his National G's.

I'm set on expanding my mind. And plastering my walls ceiling to floor with mind-expanding photos. Walk into my bedroom and the posters of Green Day and Fall Out Boy are severely outnumbered by pictures of lions and tigers and bears and foreign cities and forests and mountains. Two of my obsessions happily go hand-in-hand: learning and making sure no part of my bedroom walls remain naked.

I've learned about China, Japan, Bhutan, India, National Parks, National Trails, hot air balloons, birds, whales, gorillas, bears, dogs, pigs, Sweden, Moses, chambered nautilluses (I'm sure I spelled that wrong), seals, Audubon, Robert Frost, Hans Christian Andersen, the rivalry between Ontario and Quebec, dinosaurs, elephants, giraffes, volcanoes, Iceland, Harlem, and many other things I've probably forgotten already because I've been reading too much in too short of a time span.

Out of the things I've learned, here are a few that I've found the most interesting.

1. Pigs like to eat snakes. Farmers sometimes keep pigs near ponds on their property so the pigs will eat the snakes before the snakes can bite the cows. Pigs aren't effected by snake venom because it doesn't penetrate deep enough (through all the fat, I think). So...we should all just get fat and be immune to snakebites.

2. Ancient Egyptians wore eyeliner and used skin moisturizers and anti-wrinkle serums.

3. Hans Christian Andersen is a household name, but rarely can someone correctly name five of his stories, often naming other tales made famous by the Brothers Grimm or other storytellers. Andersen's stories include The Princess on the Pea, The Ugly Duckling, The Little Match-Seller, and, my favourite, The Little Mermaid.

4. Yellowstone National Park is located in Wyoming!!!! Holy crap. Actually, I knew that once I'm sure, but got it confused with Yosemite and thought it was in California. Duhhhhhr. Just like in The Shining, Yellowstone has winterkeepers that stay there, snowbound, for many months at a time with their closest neighbours (and help) miles away.

5. There are polar bears in Ontario. There are polar bears in MY province! I'm ashamed to say I did not know this until recently. Seeing as I don't live "up north" as we Ontarians refer to the Northern part of Ontario and of course anything "northier" than it, I didn't realize we have polar bears and arctic foxes and them awesome types of animals in our great province. That just shows you how Americanized I am.

Anyway, there's useless mind-expanding info for you to enjoy. I'll let you know if/when I learn anything else that I find particularly interesting, which I probably will since I have a crapload of magazines to read still. I swear, I have two piles in my room, a small pile in front of me, plus a few boxes of them in the closet, and possibly some stored in the garage. MY MIND WILL BE SO EXPANDED. MY WALLS WILL NOT BE NUDE.

PS: Enjoy the oncoming winter, everyone. :)

this is what happens when the boy drinks whiskey

2010-10-25T03:09:00.000-04:00

For anyone who may have been concerned after my last post....be concerned no more! At least, you can try not to be. I sure did try out one of those dollar store pregnancy tests. The instructions said to pee in a cup and use their little eyedropper thing to suck up a few drops and then squirt the drops onto the test, but where's the fun in that? I wanted to pee on a stick. Plus, I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good cup by peeing in it. So short story long, I took the test and it came up negative, which was kind of disappointing since, as I stated in my last post, Sam's male friend peed on a test and it claimed he was pregnant, but being empty-wombed at my age is probably a good thing, so it all works out for the best. (Sidenote: I couldn't really take one of those dollar store pregnancy tests seriously so I planned on taking a more reliable test, but in the end, Aunt Flo came for a visit, and even though my sisters will rush to tell you that you can be pregnant and have a "monthly visit" of sorts anyway, I'm gonna relax for now. I'll see a medical professional soon enough.)

SO ANYWAY. Enough of that.....why am I announcing this all anyway? Oh yeah, because it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm BORED. I'm tired but I don't think I'll be able to sleep yet. My mind's all wired but I can't seem to focus on watching a movie or reading a book or anything......OH. By the way, I'm reading a book about recovering from addictions. I don't have a drug addiction or anything like that, but I'm sure I have more subtle addictions, and either way, the book isn't monstrous and it has a few witty things to say here and there but....SERIOUSLY I CAN'T FOCUS ON IT. It keeps blabbering on about Higher Powers and being humble and in denial and stuff, which is all good and fine and stuff I'd understand perfectly well if they were talking about it all in such a way that I don't feel like I need to go to an AA meeting to understand it properly.

But I'm not an alcoholic. So...yeah.

Speaking of alcohol, Jordan spent the night last night and we got around to some drinking. My man enjoys his alcohol as much as any other 24-year-old male. I don't have a problem with alcohol, per se - of course not, since I enjoy some of it from time to time myself - but I do have a problem with people consuming large amounts of it on a regular basis and acting like dumbasses when they do. Which my darling boyfriend doesn't do, at least he claims not to - and up until last night, I had never seen him drunk. Tipsy, yes. We were both a little swimmy in the head during our first kiss and I've seen him in such a state a few other times but I'd never seen him full-blown drunk. And since I'm pretty serious about our relationship, I felt it was about time that I saw him drunk, and told him I wanted to see what he's like when he's drunk.He bought a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of Coke and I sipped at two bottles of lime Woody's over the course of the evening (5% alcohol in a bottle and one bottle in I was starting to feel it...being a lightweight is awesome). About a quarter of a bottle of whiskey later and Jordan was wearing a poofy skirt and doing Ace Ventura impressions. Since he'd started acting silly, I decided I didn't want to feel left out, but since I'm a total sipper and hate the taste of booze no matter how much lime flavouring it has, I knew in order for me to get drunk I'd need to play a drinking game. So we decided to watch Halloween specials and every time THIS or THAT happened, we'd have to take a drink (a drink, for Jordan, was a gulp or two, and a drink, for me, was a sip). Every time Lucy was a bitch to Charlie Brown, we'd yell "Bitch!" and take a drink. And this happened quite a lot. And I encouraged him to get more every time his glass got low. And before long Jordan was blathering on about penguins and hockey and pumpkins and then stumbled off to the bathroom, saying, "Don't listen to me."
Let's check on the bottle: Less than a quarter of whiskey left.
Upstairs I go. Two Gravol tablets and his Spiderman toothbrush in hand, I head back down to the kitchen for a glass of water, and back to the first floor bathroom. I speak to him through the closed door.

ME: "You okay?"
MY CHARMING BOYFRIEND: *pukes* "Yes."
ME: "Need anything?"
CHARMING BOYFRIEND: "No." *spits*
ME: "I'll leave some water and some Gravol and your toothbrush on the shelf here okay?"
CHARMING BOYFRIEND: *pukes*spits*giggles* "Okay."
ME: *starts to leave*
CHARMING BOYFRIEND: "Thank you."
ME: "You're welcome."

So polite even when he's drunk. Once he emerged from the bathroom, ignoring the Gravol and toothbrush, he flopped down on the couch, where I proceeded to force the pills into his mouth and make him drink some water. I offered to brush his teeth but he said he'd do it himself. Within moments, he'd fallen asleep. I brought down a packet of breath strips. I woke him up and tried to give it to him.

CHARMING BOYFRIEND: "Noooo." *clamps mouth shut*
ME: "If you don't brush your teeth, you need one of these."
CHARMING BOYFRIEND: "Mmm-mmm." *shakes head, mouth still tightly shut*
ME: *forces breath strip into his mouth*
CHARMING BOYFRIEND: "Ughhhhhhhhh."
Before getting him tucked into his couch-bed, I decided to remove some of his clothing for his own comfort. As I removed his pants, he got this devilish look on his face and for once since becoming sick to his stomach seemed very happy, albeit still quite disoriented.

CHARMING BOYFRIEND: "What are you doing?" *big grin*
ME: *pulling down his pants to reveal his lovely satin boxers* "Undressing you."
CHARMING BOYFRIEND: "What are you looking for?"
ME: "NOTHING. This is not sexual."
CHARMING BOYFRIEND: *falls asleep*

Today he claims he doesn't remember any of this, except for wearing a tutu and watching Halloween specials and he thought he MAYBE threw up. Good thing I only got a buzz and was able to look after him. I'm thinking I should get wasted sometime and see if he looks after me. The one and only time I actually puked from excessive drinking, my darling friend Chloe was there to say kind words and give me a lucky penny and take a picture of my vomit and tell me to shower. I remembered it all the next day. I can't say I've ever had gaps in my memory due to drinking, which might be commonplace for other people, but I find it a titch scary and told Jordan I don't want him drinking that much anymore. That just can't be good for the man's liver.

All in all, I enjoyed my boyfriend's drunken state. He was funny and extremely talkative, while usually he's funny but rather quiet, and it was all in good fun until the puking incident. I think in a relationship it's important to see your significant other in every possible and applicable situation - happy, sad, angry, tired, sick, last thing at night, first thing in the morning, and also drunk, if they are the kind of person who likes to drink - in order to know that person as well as you can. So I guess I owe it to him to get wasted and puke. Except instead of telling him "Don't listen to me!" I'll probably chat away to him between retches and ask him to take a picture.

DISCLAIMER: Drinking is usually stupid and I'm not in any way encouraging anyone to drink and/or do stupid things while drunk. Many of us like to drink, that's fine. Many of us also don't like to drink, which is also fine and probably a good idea. One day.....one day I'm gonna have self-control. One day. I'll eat healthy then too and excersise.......yay.

Cheers.

food and dollar store pregnancy tests

2010-10-01T03:21:00.000-04:00

Eat eat eat eat eat eat eat.

I want food. My mother is so busy with school that she has neglected to shop and ordinarily the lack of new and exciting food would drive me off the wall (much to my mother's dismay, I'm a picky eater. Like, hello, it bugs me too. Do you think I wanna starve when you're happily munching seafood and beans and salad and liver and onions, which I want to like but can't swallow without gagging?) but right now I'm kind of having fun gradually emptying the cupboards as I inhale food. Sssshhh don't tell my mom.

Sooner or later, however, I'm going to run out of Mr. Noodles and chicken breast and French fries and cheese and what few remainders of food we have that I actually like. I just had to settle for one and a half peanut butter and jam sandwiches because we only had three slices of white bread left, not counting the slice that is all crust, which I refuse to eat. But the point here isn't what I do and do not like to eat - the point is, why the hell am I so hungry??!!

I just ate and I now want more food. I can't get to sleep at night because I keep getting up to eat food and I can't stay asleep because I keep getting up to eat food and when I'm awake I eat, eat, eat, which is weird for someone with anxiety like I have, because I'm so used to having an upset stomach and not being able to eat a thing more often than I'd like to admit.

And I've been so desperate for food I've actually been eating things I don't usually eat. Like weird TV dinners I found in the back of the freezer that don't taste like real food. And I've also been desperate enough to actually make my own Mr. Noodles on the stove, which I normally wouldn't do, because people like me can't use stoves without burning something and setting off the smoke detectors, which is exactly what I did in the middle of the night when my mother was asleep and I had to wave my hoody around the air to clear the smoke - that I couldn't even SEE - and make it stop beeping.

My sister Melissa came over the other night and when she found out I've been hungry, having random attacks of nausea, and extreme exhaustion, she suggested I may be pregnant.

"I'm on birth control."
"When did you start?"
"Not long ago."
"You might be pregnant."
"What are other symptoms?"
"Sore nipples."
"Shiiiiiit."

Although I am a very safe, precautious young woman, things still can and do happen.

My relations better not be reading this. That's the last thing I need. They already think I'm on drugs, they think Jordan's on drugs, they think I'm wild and crazy because I got my lip pierced (which my mother agreed to and paid for....even though I'm EIGHTEEN. Legally an ADULT.)

Ah well, I'm going to the health unit soon enough...and probably going to see my doc...ooooh and I'm going to see a neurologist in November also. But that has nothing to do with pregnancy. It has to do with the fact that I'm spastic and people stare at me in public and sometimes I spasm so violently the car shakes when we're stopped at a red light.

So yeah...no lectures please. I'm probably just paranoid because of my friggin sister anyway.

But now that I think of it....I really wanna try one of those dollar store pregnancy tests. Even though Sam said his friend who is a male bought one and peed on it and it told him he was pregnant. I'd just like to be able to say, "I actually bought a dollar store pregnancy test and used it."

Road Trip Episode 2: Prince Edward Island

2010-09-12T02:15:00.002-04:00

Although we were gone for about a week, we only spent three nights on the island. The first night we arrived, we checked into a cabin in the dead of night. The next day I was reunited with Jordan, as well as my oldest sister and her husband and daughter and all the other people who had accumulated for the wedding of Jordan's cousin/my brother-in-law's sister.

Jordan and I ventured along the boardwalk to a restaurant that evening only to discover that this was not just a restaurant but a FANCY restaurant, and we felt severely out of place in our "vacation clothes" (he in a homemade Rancid tee, jeans, and a ballcap with skulls on it, and I in a ripped-up tee shirt and leggings and a belt with skulls on it).

Following our overly-priced meal, we ventured to the beach. It was Jordan's first time seeing the ocean as well, and on Prince Edward Island the beaches are red, and there are jellyfish so you can't go swimming. But that was all right because the beach there was much more interesting than any of the beaches around here. Our beaches are covered in boring sand and the most exciting living thing you might find is a seagull or if you're especially lucky, some zebra mussells or crayfish. The ocean has SEASHELLS. And CLAMS. And SEASNAILS.

The rest of the evening and late into the night was spent exploring by foot and by car, and most of PEI (or at least what we saw) is the middle of nowhere. Which was fine by us except for when we wanted a store that was actually open, and all that was open was Tim Horton's. I spent that night with Jordan on a hide-a-bed in the big old rented house that he and his sister and the wedding party people were staying in. I must've really liked that hide-a-bed because I stayed the next night too, after the wedding and reception. I guess I'm a horrible daughter, because I ditched my mother for two nights in a row, but she didn't seem to mind, especially the second night when she'd had a bit much to drink at the reception. Speaking of the reception, this was my level of classiness:

I somehow think I remember hugging a lawn gnome and dancing on a table. But that can't be right...

Anywho, Jordan and I bade goodbye to each other upon the morrow. He and his sister set off for home while my mother and I toured the island and visited the Anne of Green Gables house and ate pizza in Summerside where I met a hermit crab whom I named Herman and put in my dog's water container and took him home with me. (R.I.P. Herman. I'm sorry I took you out of the ocean and put you in a container with the lid on.) A couple nights later after spending one night in New Brunswick and another in Quebec, we were finally back home.............and now I really really REALLY miss the East Coast.

The reason people live in Ontario or any other place lacking an ocean escapes me.

Road Trip Episode 1: On the Way There

2010-09-08T04:32:00.003-04:00

I have finally returned to the blogosphere my faithful and neglected readers. I apologize deeply for my lack of bloggingness and I shall make it up to you by presenting you with the blog about my trip that was promised in ...July?! Yeesh.

The trip started here in my home province of Ontario. With our ridiculous amount of luggage, my mother, my dog and I packed ourselves into the car and headed off. Although we were taking a shitload of food and drinks with us to stay...well, alive, during the drive, I refrained from drinking too much because for some reason I have to pee like Seabiscuit many times a day. However, despite the fact that I was verging on dehydration in the late July heat, I STILL had to pee constantly. My mother was not pleased about having to pull over every hour for me to go use the washroom in a restaurant or gas station. I lost count of all the different restrooms I used, some of them being pretty disgusting, some being creepy, and one of them had a urinal in it even though that's where the gas station guy told me to go pee. Maybe he thought I was a dude. We all dress like bums during road trips, don't we?
Wait...I think I just said dudes are bums.

My dog Jenny ended up actually LIKING the car ride. She'd get anxious and cry if my mom or I got out of the car, or if someone came to the window, or if the car slowed down (my doggy likes to ride FAST) but aside from that, she seemed to enjoy curling up in her blankets and relaxing. She also enjoyed our pit stops when she was able to get out and explore.

I volunteered to sit in the backseat with Jenny to keep her from feeling sad or anxious, so the backseat soon became a mess of blankets, clothes, food, and all the things I took to keep myself occupied. I'm one of those weird people that like driving for long stretches at a time. I like being able to just kick back and relax and daydream and watch the scenery go by.

Our road trip playlist:

The Beatles Anthology
I took along my oldschool yellow Sony Walkman and one of my mom's Beatles Anthology casettes. Listening to their beautiful voices singing songs like Love Me Do, Please Please Me, How Do You Do It, You Really Got A Hold On Me, Searchin, From Me To You, and In Spite of All the Danger (not to mention the many other excellent songs of wonder) became a major part of my road trip soundtrack. With my giant headphones clamped over my head, covered in their Spiderman stickers, pumping catchy riffs and sweet lyrics about love and mushy stuff into my ears, I couldn't help but think about Jordan. My man who'd left for the coast the day before. Going a couple days without seeing each other felt so much longer on the road.
*sigh* *swoon*

Alanis Morissette
I've loved Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill album since I was too young to know what the heck she was singing about. I remember listening to my old casette of her in my little kids' Sony Walkman in the car as a young whippersnapper, so taking my current album (this time, a CD) along for the trip seemed more than called for. Pumping from the car's speakers, I was able to sing along; something I can't exactly do with my Walkman and headphones without sounding like a doof.

Tegan & Sara
Ever since that time I stayed with Sam for a few days in the spring and we blasted Tegan & Sara and singed along all the way to his place and back, I've thought of Tegan & Sara as car ride music. So taking all but one of my albums (their first album, my least favourite, although I love it anyway) was a natural choice.

Oldies
My mother came prepared with oldies-packed CDs. I love oldies but after a little while I got tired of them and more often than not while she was listening to CCR or something, I'd start listening to the Beatles again.

Jordan's mix
Last but not least, a huge part of our road trip soundtrack was the CD that Jordan burned for me. "Thinkin of you songs" he wrote on the disc before he left it in my mailbox for me to find. Fifteen songs that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The only band on it that I was already familiar with was Great Big Sea, aside from some artists I'd heard only when Jordan played their CDs in his car. My favourites from the mix include songs by The Tossers, Flatfoot 56, Great Big Sea, The Pogues, and The Mahones. A lot of Celtic and very Irish sounding music. No surprise there, since Jordan is Irish, which I find irresistably sexy. My mother loved the mix as well, and insisted we start the day with it and end the day with it, which happened almost every day of the trip. "Ohhh what a sweet boyfriend you have. I wish I had a man to make me a CD like this." I had to listen to her gushing like that a lot, which I didn't entirely mind.

There was more to the trip there than music of course. First night on the road, we got lost in the boonies in Quebec and had to spend the night there (the original plan had been to spend the first night in New Brunswick). The first motel we went to was very sketchy. As soon as I turned on the TV, a veryveryvery visual porno involving a park bench started playing and I collapsed on the bed laughing while my mother gaped at the TV in shock and horror. We ended up spending the night somewhere else (no, the porn wasn't the deal-breaker, it was also pretty dirty and overall gross. The kind of place you don't wanna touch the sheets or use the shower). I actually really enjoyed Quebec. The scenery there got prettier and prettier the further we drove, and them Frenchies are sooooo nice. Everyone had warned us about the snotty Quebeckers but I don't know what the hell they were talking about. All the people we met there were super nice and they just sound so cute when they say "bonjour" that I wanna squeeze em. I was caused some anxiety though every now and then when entering a place of business to use the washroom, since my French is very limited and I worried I wouldn't be able to find the washroom and no one would understand me, but luckily that never happened.

New Brunswick was even more beautiful as we discovered the next day and we finally crossed the bridge onto Prince Edward Island that night. It was the first time I'd been to the ocean, and my mother's first time as well. Jenny's too, since she's not exactly a dog about the world. It was pretty darn exciting.

And here I leave you. In my next post I shall describe my wondrous adventures on the island, such as the strange tribe that worshipped the sacred rooster and the dinosaurs that roamed the jungles.

And before I depart, some pictures...

The first two are Jenny enjoying the ride, the third is Jenny and I being bored while my mother consults a map off-camera (she did that a LOT) and the fourth and fifth are Montreal as seen from the highway. The sixth is Jenny enjoying her first hotel room. And the last three are lots of scenery. I can't remember if it was all from New Brunswick or if some was Quebec....hrmmmm...
I'd add more but my computer is having a temper, so I'll add more next time!

Are We There Yet?

2010-07-26T23:19:00.001-04:00

Somehow things have actually fallen into place and I'm going on my first legit road trip. Those day trips and little weekend getaways when I was younger no longer count. I'm going to the East Coast, bitches!!!

I live in a city you've probably never heard of and I've rarely gone anywhere, let alone to the ocean, so quite obviously I'm pretty excited. This was slightly spur of the moment. A while ago invitations were sent out for the wedding of my brother-in-law's sister (also happens to be my boyfriend's cousin. Incest through marriage. Yay.) but my mom and I figured we couldn't go due to lack of money and other things. But now thanks to my awesome uncle, we've now been lent some money and we're leaving in the morning. My mom, my dog, a ton of food, my five bags full of all the crap I'll (possibly) need in a week, and me. In a car. For many many many hours. My main concerns are that I'll have to pee and there won't be anywhere to do so (my concerns are big, I know) and that my dog will have a bit of an issue with the long drive, since she's not exactly one of those dogs who loves car rides. Other than that, I'm frickin stoked. And to make things even better, my boy (his name is Jordan, for the record) left for the coast today with his sister this morning, as did MY sister and her husband and daughter, so once we get to our destination, we're all gonna meet up and have an epic time at this wedding. Ima show off my ridiculous dance moves.

Road trip checklist

Tegan & Sara CDs: check
Mix CD burned by my awesome boyfriend and left in my mailbox this morning: check
Beatles Anthology tape: check
iPod, Discman, Walkman, earbuds, epic headphones, and portable speakers: check check check check checkand check
Notebook: check
Candy and food: check
Clothes: check
Head scarves because my mom and I wanna pretend to be Thelma & Louise: check check check (we got one for Jenny, my dog, too)

So I shall be absent for about a week but then I shall return. Don't miss me too much!!!

insanity, motivation, and late night walks

2010-07-08T03:22:00.000-04:00

I'm going slightly insane. Maybe more than slightly.

Sure I've got the whole basement renovation to work on, sure I've got extra stuff I need to do around the house since my mother got her trigger finger operated on and can't do dishes (yeah, trigger finger is an actual medical condition), sure I've got stories to write and music to practice and a million other things I could be doing and want to be doing, but where the hell's my motivation?

I feel too messed up in the head to focus on anything. Eat, sleep, watch movies, read, try not to have a mental breakdown. That's how I spend my days and nights when I'm not spending time with my man friend.

Sorry for sounding so emo. I still retain my sense of humour, don't worry. I am still madly in love with myself, that hasn't changed either. But like I said, I'm just messed in the head.

Ever want to go away someplace for a long time and come back to your boring life except that you'll see it differently after being gone so long and it won't be so boring anymore? I want that. I've considered doing something crazy so some shrink will pack me up and ship me off to some nice farm in some nowhere town where angsty young people ride horses and milk sheep and eat their vegetables and become happyhappyhappy. By the way, I don't even know if anyone milks sheep; it just kind of slipped out. But that's the kind of fantasy this teenager has.

For now, my "getaways" include going for solitary walks at night. The other night I set out around one AM with my Green Day messenger bag packed with money, a notebook, and my iPod. I went to the nearest park, about a two minute walk from my house, only to realize I wanted to get further away. So I walked through the park and I followed this street all the way to my old neighbourhood, which is really only about a ten or fifteen minute walk away, and I went to this other park where I used to walk my dog when I was thirteen or fourteen. I sat in the grass in the darkest part of the soccer field because I didn't want anyone to see me and bother me because I wanted to be alone and I hate running into creepy creepers when I'm out walking. Even though no one has bothered me on my walks as of yet, just having someone drive past me pisses me off when I want to be alone. I listened to Tegan & Sara on my iPod and did some writing in my notebook. It was an overall good time, except for the fact that I was getting eaten alive by skeeters. Before I got home, I stopped by the corner store to get some chocolate. I can be rather irritable if I don't get my chocolate fix. Which is why I went out for a walk again tonight for a midnight chocolate mission.

Sad thing is, I've lived in this house for a little over three years and I'm already sick of it. I've never lived in one house longer than three years and I'm feeling confined by the location. Same old neighbourhood, same old corner store, same old parks, same old cemetary. I think it's about time I check out Google maps and look for some interesting places within walking distance that I may be unaware of.

And that's the biggest shred of motivation I've had all day.

What the feck is a shag rug?

2010-06-25T03:40:00.000-04:00

It's really nice to have something to do. Don't you hate waking up and feeling way too lazy and unmotivated to get out of bed? That's me on most days. Eighteen, unemployed, self-educated (in other words, not in school), waking up every day in my bed that is a mess of zillions of blankets and zillions of pillows, probably drooling on something, hair sticking straight up because I went to bed with wet hair, and not having any good reason to get out of bed. I think: "OH SHIT. I wanna go back to sleep." Or maybe "OH SHIT. I should get up....but I don't wanna."

It isn't fun. Because I know I should get up and do something productive but I don't feel like doing it and then I just feel shitty and lazy and...unproductive. Which makes me feel depressed. Which makes me want to go back to sleep. But by this time I'm probably having a panic attack and can't get back to sleep anyway, so eventually I get my lazy ass out of bed.

The height of productivity in my day is perhaps taking a shower, or maybe tweezing my eyebrows, or making my bed. Oh what fun. I mean sure, I do other things and call it productive. I work on one of my stories or my scrapbook or practice guitar or watch a movie and say I've accomplished something. To me, these things ARE accomplishments. I want to be a writer, a musician, a filmmaker. It's my education. But they don't leave me feeling accomplished for long.

However, this weekend I will finally have a reason to get out of bed and do something. My mother took me shopping for paint. She bought me four cans of mistints - green, gold, orange, and brown. '70's colours. Their destination: the basement.

Our basement is an ugly, dingy, cold, dirty, dusty, stinky big room made out of concrete. It's full of storage bins packed with holiday decorations and the like. There's a little laundry area. A couple litterboxes for my feline companions. And a games table I need to rescue from the heaps of junk.

Oh and there's also some broken plates on the floor. My mother has been known to set aside dishes she doesn't want, so when I'm really pissed about something I can smash them against the concrete. My mom's quite cool, I know. And yes, I have anger issues.

ANYWAY. I'm a fan of basement rec rooms so I'm going to turn our basement into an epic '70's rec room. My man friend (mention: numero uno) is ditching me for the weekend to go camping with some of his friends and they shall be acting drunk and stupid in the woods. They're very classy. So I shall be keeping myself busy by working on the basement. Happy face!!!

Once I've painted, I shall hunt for furniture of an appropriate theme, and also a SHAG RUG. I don't know exactly what a shag rug is, but I know I need one. I will also look for a record player and an old TV with knobs and dials on it perhaps. My plan for the basement is for it to be an epic hangout spot when friends come over and also a place I can chillax on my own time and practice guitar and my mad dance moves and such.

Tomorrow I shall throw on some jeans and an old band tee, haul down the stereo and a stack of CDs, and start painting. Woot. Only thing I'm concerned about is the litterbox situation.....damn cats. Oh and spiders. I hate spiders. I hope there aren't any spiders down there. *Shudders*

Indifference = Happiness?

2010-06-15T04:35:00.001-04:00

What is there for me to say right now?

I'm living in a state of indifference. When I'm not feeling indifferent, I'm feeling happy. So when people ask how I am, I just say "I'm great." Because, after being accustomed to years of depressive moods, anything that isn't bad is great.

I am as close to content as I've been in a long time.

Summer's almost here. The past few weeks have creeped by slowly. Time, for me, usually races by frighteningly fast, so I'm enjoying the fact that I keep thinking summer is almost over only to realize it hasn't even started. The weather here in my Canadian hometown that you've probably never heard of has been fickle, but things are warming up and when it isn't hot out, it's raining. And I like the rain, so it's all good.

I've also been highly motivated lately. Extremely tired as per usual, yes. Conking out on the couch as per usual, yes. Sleeping all day like your average teenager, yes. But when I'm awake, I'm usually working away on my scrapbook/graphic novel project. It keeps me busy and distracted and that's a nice change from my habit of sitting around thinking too much about things.

Even though I feel pretty damn good lately, things aren't perfect, but then again things are never perfect because perfect doesn't exist. I'm still a strung-out anxiety freak, my family's still insane, my computer's still slow, I ran out of nachos last night, et cetera.

I'm currently single again. I won't go into detail, so all I have to say is I still love Sam more than I love waffles and think he's pretty damn awesome and we can still have our usual ridiculous conversations which is totally epically awesome, but the whole relationship thing just wasn't working for me. I guess I just suck at relationships. But in my defense, I just turned eighteen so I don't think I can be expected to be awesome at relationships right now.

Question of the day: Why must there be so many beautiful people in the world? And why must I be one of them?

I love how modest I am.

Anyway, it's 4:30 AM and I have to get up around noon to go to a couple boring ass appointments. Yuck. First appointment I am dreading because some chick I don't know is probably going to ramble on about how to find a job, and the second appointment I'm dreading because it's at the health unit and some doctor's going to feel my tits and not even take me out to dinner first. On the upside, I'll get more free condoms for my collection. At my last appointment, I was examined by some old woman doctor who lectured me about sex and STDs (she was a bit scary) and then proceeded to tell me she was going to "twiddle around" for a few minutes with an oversized Q-Tip. Guess where she was twiddling. And the whole time she's singing away. "Twiddle dee dee, twiddle dee dum." And Michael Jackson was playing on the radio. Weirdest checkup I've ever had.

So...I'm off to bed.

Hello Adulthood

2010-06-10T03:05:00.001-04:00

Pardon my absence for the past month or so. I lost the blogging bug for a little while and became busy with turning into an adult and whatnot. Yes, it's true, I have finally/already turned eighteen. I have two words to say about that...

NO CURFEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. I jizzed a little right there. Have I rushed out to buy lottery tickets? Have I gotten a job as a pornstar? Nay nay. I care not for such things. I'm just enjoying the fact that my mother hasn't been telling me when to come home anymore.
I never had a set curfew. It was usually made up based on the situation - yknow, who and where and why and all that. "Be home by midnight" or "be home no later than two." Perhaps my mother will fall back into this routine in the future, but in the past little while the answer to "do I have a curfew?" has been "hmmm nope."

I'm a good kid though. One night I gave my mom a ringy dingy around midnight to let he know I'd still be out for a bit. And one morning after unintentionally being out all night (keep your dirty thoughts to yourself, I was fully clothed the whole time) I gave my mother a call to let her know I was still alive. Coming home at six in the morning has the neighbours speculating that I'm in trouble and calling my sister to ask "who the hell was your little sister out with?" but has my mother nonchalantly saying "oh hey, late night?"

Yes, I enjoy freedom.

An Epic Adventure

2010-05-07T09:54:00.007-04:00

My last blog was more serious than not, so this one is going to be more not than serious. In fact, it may be slightly ridiculous because ridiculous is what you get when someone like me spends five days with someone like Sam. I somehow survived five days of junk food, magicians, and some other stuff I won't mention in a blog that my family reads. This is the story of my epic adventure.
Once upon a time, I'm pretty sure it was last Tuesday, Sam came to steal me. He spent the night here before we headed off to his place a couple hours away. The kidnapping was mutual though. I went prepared with my toothbrush, clean underwear, movies, cookies, Calabrese salami, cheese, crackers, root beer, and tropical-flavoured condoms. I had a few other things too, such as pants, but that goes without saying.
I'd never been to Sam's home (in his friend's basement) before so I was quite pleased to find he had a reclining chair, a reclining couch, a fireplace, a slot machine, a neon flamingo, a tiny plug-in Christmas tree, and a double bed with a fuzzy animal print blanket on it. All the necessities for daily life.

Please note George the flamingo and the slot machine, and also my wholesome breakfast from Thursday morning. However, please do not let the photo fool you. I didn't eat Pinnochio.

Oh and here on the left is what happens when you go to bed covered in marker. I think I owe someone some new sheets...?

That night we went on a late night shopping trip to buy a few necessities not already supplied in Sam's semi-bachelor pad. (Peach juice, grape juice, Kool Aid, Tic Tacs, Q-Tips, and fruit punch-flavoured lube. This is a slightly different result than shopping trips with my mother. The girl at the cash was totally giving me this proud smirk when Sam wasn't looking.)

On Friday, we took a trip to the local love shop. Let me stop and ask you a question: who in god's name wears penis-shaped earrings? Legit question. We wandered the aisles of the pornographic film section. I do not endorse the objectification of women but I couldn't resist taking a look-see and I look-saw a little more than I wanted to. As Sam said, "Don't touch them! They're rentals." Words of wisdom, darling. Before we left, we purchased a pair of pink handcuffs and proceded to be judged by some woman sitting in a parked car outside. Another Sam quotation: "Don't judge us! We're people too! We just wanna have kinky sex!" Life = complete?

After this little adventure, we got some burgers and went to a FedEx store where the chick working there noticed some suspicious marks on my neck and told me I should buy a scarf, and then we went out on a ninja mission in search of Pez which turned into a ninja mission in search of a pool to swim in.

Instead of finding swimmable pools (that weren't surrounded by fences or dogs), we found this apparatus that reminded me of R2D2 so I gave him a face except that I overestimated his number of eyes, and we also found this creepy stuffed rabbit .

We crossed a sketchy bridge and apparently this is how Sam crosses bridges. Also, I heard something following us and took a picture to see what it was but all that showed up were trees, so Sam thinks that I think that trees follow people..

Here we have some hand-holding action, which is all the action you're gonna see on this site, sorry to disappoint.

And over here we have a heart I saw spray-painted on a lightpole beside a trashcan and I thought it was poetic. Except for the trashcan part, which I cut out by using this nice artistic angle.

Speaking of art and poetry, I found where the sidewalk ends. (Sam has never heard of this book, which I find just unacceptable.)

Once we had enough of prowling along sketchy paths and peoples' backyards, we went back to his place and talked about mushy stuff for six hours and then slept and then went to a magic show the next night. Only recently have I started realizing how cool magic actually is. After all, I don't think you can date a magician and not think magic is cool. I remember when I was a young lass...I knew how to do magic trick back then. -Insert wistful sigh here-

And speaking of young lasses, when I took a trip to the john during intermission, I met a chick wearing a little hat and she saw Martha (a girl Sam drew on my arm) and asked if she could draw a mustache on her, to which I consented, and then she kissed Martha...so basically a random stranger I met in the girls' john drew a mustache on me and kissed me. There's a first for everything I guess.

The next day Sam and I made the drive back to my hometown in the process of him unstealing me, which was quite sad for both of us. I mean sure, I missed my mama, and my dog, and my cats, but now I really miss my Sammy! And his neon flamingo!

Oh and by the way, what happens in real estate building parking lots stays in real estate building parking lots. Don't ask. And on that note, this concludes my epic adventure, which I just had to share, and which Sam wanted me to share, because he likes being mentioned lots in my blog. I think it makes him feel special. Except not like special ed special, because he isn't special in that way and his name isn't Ed. But he is special. -Insert happy face-

And on one last sidenote.....this is what happens when you leave your boyfriend and your camera unattended in a room together.

There you go babe. Your crotch is on my blog. Feel special.

Surviving Mr. X

2010-04-15T06:54:00.003-04:00

So I'm still reading Jennie's blog and still thinking about the whole openness thing. She started her blog as a way of finding herself as a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, and pornstar. Becoming Jennie. And I'm thinking - what was my purpose for starting this blog? I think it was an effort to get over a shitty break-up. To stop being so depressed. To start having fun. Desperately seeking amusement. Or desperately seeking...what? Distraction?

The guy I was trying to distract myself from, we'll call him Mr. X. I don't wanna get charged for defemation of character, even though getting in trouble with the law would be totally badass and is on my to do list. I just think it would be best to leave names out of it.

I'm not sure if I genuinely loved him, but I thought I did. I definitely cared about him. This time last year we had just started hanging out. He was the cute boy down the street who I'd been drooling over for a couple years. I live in a subdivision where everyone knows everyone else's business so without ever having spoken a word to him, I knew his full name. So one day I added him on Facebook and before long we were hanging out, watching movies, playing Nintendo, and then eventually laying on my bed making out with my heart doing the Wipeout drumline sped up ten times one trillion because sure I'd kissed a boy before but never like THAT. He was my first boyfriend and I his fifth(?) girlfriend. I was just a naive little kid next to him. I remember having a fuckton of insecurities but the funny thing - and not funny haha, funny strange - is that I THOUGHT I was oh-so happy being with him.

But in retrospect, I felt overwhelmed. Trapped. Misunderstood. Judged. All the feelings I can't shake in ANY relationship, romantic or otherwise, but it was different with him I guess. Being in a romantic relationship was a new experience for me. And although he said he loved me and never wanted to leave me and would even be with me if I had no legs (yeah he ACTUALLY said that) he wasn't good for my self-esteem. I felt like I wasn't interesting or funny or smart or any of the things I'd felt I was before I started dating him. I thought this was because HE was the interesting smart one (but not so much funny, which should've been a red flag since I usually go for funny guys) but now I think I was just feeling his lack of appreciation for my awesomeness. In the end, I never found out what changed or when it changed or what was a lie and what wasn't. We broke up. I smashed some things. I went for a walk in the cemetary in the rain (is my life really that cliche?). I cried. I hated him. I missed him. I never talked to him again. End of story.

Except not so much.

Nine months later and I'm still not completely over it. I mean, no I don't lay around crying and missing him and replaying our favourite song or anything like that. We didn't even have a favourite song actually. But if I think about it hard enough, I still get mad. I still feel some....something. Sometimes that something is extreme dislike. Never love. But sometimes it's some sort of residual good-feeling about the good times we had. I can't forgive him for being a douchenozzle, but then again I can't really forgive anyone for anything. I don't understand this "forgiveness" thing people speak of. And whenever I finally figure out how it works, I'm sure he won't be the first person on my forgiveness list either.

But I'm glad for everything that happened. It taught me a fair helluva bit. I think back to less than a year ago and I see a little kid. A naive (possibly even stupid) girl who's head over heels for someone she barely knows. Not that I'm some great wise scholar now or anything, I'm sure I still have a shitload to learn, but I've definitely grown up a lot because of the whole thing. Because of the many different people I've been since then. I keep changing. I can't stay the same. I may have become the person I once hated, but right now I love the person I've become. She's a frustrating little bitch, sure, and she has a lot of problems and I hope she doesn't stay this way forever, but she's me. Panic attacks, OCD, anxiety, anger, depression, insecurity, trust issues, self-harmful behaviour, confusion and all. I am a cocky narcissistic bastard most of the time and I think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread.

So thank you Mr. X. Thank you for being my first boyfriend. The first boy to break my heart. Thank you for being a dick to me. Thank you for teaching me not to trust so easily, and to question things. Thank you for leaving your white dress shirt in my room and never coming back to get it. It's quite comfy and I look pretty sexy in it if I do say so myself. Thank you for being the reason I grew up a little and learned a few things.

So....desperately seeking amusement? Yes. But moreso, desperately seeking myself. Trying to figure out who the hell this person is I call Me. With no intention of ever being satisfied by the answer. That's a big part of life, isn't it? Finding yourself? Except that I doubt I'll stay the same long enough to find myself. I'll be like 90, drooling in my wheelchair in a nursing home in Florida, still wondering who the fuck I am. Cheery thought.

Well this got a little deep and personal. Yeesh. This is where little alarm bells go off in my head telling me people are gonna roll their eyes at me. FUCK IT. I survived Mr. X. I can certainly survive posting this up and letting you all peer into my soul......right?

Insert Witty Title Here

2010-04-11T05:49:00.000-04:00

I found these little gems sitting in my blog drafts, saved from Omegle conversations I had a month or so ago. Since my OCD is having a bit of a fit and yelling at me to clear out my drafts, I decided to publish these before I write another proper post. Sick of these conversations? Yeah well...suck it.

Stranger: age?
You: canada, 18
Stranger: tell me your real age and i will have cybersex with you
Stranger: im 15
You: ohh that isnt legal
You have disconnected.

Stranger: hey, there.
You: nude photos?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: no gangbangers
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hi,are you a woman or a girl
You: didnt your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?
You: and what if i'm a man or a boy?
You: or a hermaphrodite even?
Stranger: bye.
You: think outside the box
You: how rude
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: would you like to teach me some english offensive slang?
You: YES
Stranger: please
You: whats your native language?
You: just wondering
Stranger: i'd better dont tell you
You: oh ok
You: so "fuck you" is good offensive slang
Stranger: too common
You: "your mother sucks cocks in hell"?
Stranger: sounds nice
You: not to the person you're saying it to
Stranger: ok
Stranger: thank you
You: no problem
Stranger: bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected

A Semi-Serious Moment

2010-04-10T05:22:00.001-04:00

So I've been reading Jennie Ketcham's blog Becoming Jennie and I'm struck by how candid and bluntly honest she is. Sure, she's been in a fuckton of pornos, which kind of steals something from your sense of privacy I'm sure, but she pretty much lays all her thoughts and feelings out on the table without any shame or embarassment. I'm envious of this kind of openness. I mean, yeah with friends I tend to share quite a lot of personal information - maybe too much information - but on my blog? Where anyone can read it? Just the fact that I have a few moments here and there where I'm saying something out of complete seriousness, when I'm not trying to be funny or witty or whatever, freaks me out a titch. Will people think I'm too serious? Will I come off as boring? I get the feeling that if I'm not the weird funny crazy psycho person in the room, that people will find me boring and have no interest in me. And even if people are creeped out by my awkward sexual advances and weird sense of humour, then at least I'm not the boring one. I'd rather be the weird person than the boring person anyday.

So I envy openness. But at the same time I like a sense of mystery. For a while anyway. When I first meet someone I like the process of getting to know them, and them getting to know me. If I lay all the cards out on the table right off the bat, where's the fun in that? I want to surprise people. So how does that tie in with being open at all times?

A few weeks ago someone asked me, during our first or second conversation ever, "Are you a virgin?"
Just like that. We weren't even anywhere near such a topic as sex and out that question came. And as my blog-readers surely know I am no stranger to discussing sexuality and don't see much wrong with springing such questions upon people (depending on the situation of course), but I didn't answer. "I like to save some mystery." Something like that was my answer, and he didn't push for a yes or no.

And in the book Hard Love I mentioned in my last post, one of the major characters, a girl named Marisol, writes out a little biography of herself in the first issue of her zine. The main character John aka Gio likes the fact that she just lays it all out for people to read. How she shamelessly says that she's adopted, a lesbian, a virgin. And I liked that fact about her too.

I think the internet certainly takes something away from getting to know people the good old-fashioned way. Now thanks to websites like Facebook and MySpace and Twitter and a half dozen others, you can find out a lot about your acquaintances without them ever telling you themselves. I guess with these websites, and even with blogs, we portray the facets of our personalities we want people to see.

The question I'm asking is, what do I want people to see?

Prepare to be Confused

2010-04-09T04:04:00.002-04:00

Holy cramoly it's been a while! I apologize for falling off the planet for a month. I guess I sort of fell in love with writing on paper after reading Ellen Wittlinger's "Hard Love" (EPIC book by the way) about a couple angsty teenagers who write their own zines and ended up neglecting my blog for a while. The STD my computer contracted could also have something to do with my absence. Either way, I thought I should blog again and Sam thinks I should blog again too. (If you recall, Sam is the guy who owns the creeper bus/shaggin wagon.) And what a wondrously supportive boyfriend he is! Yes, I said the dirty word. No, the stuff I said earlier this year about enjoying the single life is still true. Tis why I opt for open relationships. But that doesn't change the fact that I love Sam more than I love waffles, which is quite a lot, and really get a kick out of our ability to have completely random conversations with each other that only we understand.

Many of our conversations end up somewhat like this:

"When's lunch?"
"That is COMPLETELY DISGUSTING!"
"I resent that!"
"Can I use my gun?"
"Do you know why they call me Mr. Boots?"
"NO! You can't say something from another game!"
"Just shut up and kiss me!"
"Join me in a circle jerkle?"
"You are the cheese to my manatee."
"I love you more than spiders on my hand!"
"I love you more than you trying to steal my organs!"
"How do you get a magician from one side of the bed to the other?"
"Steal his pillow!"
"I just arrived in my trousers."
"You're sexehhhhh."
"You're derrrrunnkkkk."
"I ain't suckin on yo thumb no mo!"
"Speak up. I'm wearing a towel."
"You're SPECIAL."
"PURRRRRPLE."
"HOSPITALLLLLLL."
"Oh Tumbleweed."
"Awww Smokie."

This actually makes sense to us. Slightly sad but very true. Short story long, we both enjoy writing with pencils which has just fueled my blog negligence all the more. He mailed me a love letter and included a KFC gift certificate along with it. He's a keeper fer sher.

And oh shiznit, I'm breaking one of my own blogging rules here. The don't-blog-about-love-interests-because-it-will-completely-dominate-my-blog rule. Oopsie.

Peace out & stay sexy!

Escaping From the Mob on Horseback

2010-03-09T19:44:00.000-05:00

Here is a somewhat long and extremely epic conversation I had with a lovely stranger on Omegle. (See previous post in case you are confused.) It involves the mob, ripped pants, a tractor accident, and horseback riding. Enjoy!

You: HOW COULD YOU?
Stranger: I DIDNT KNOW
Stranger: I SWEAR. I DIDNT TELL THE MOB ANYTHING
You: THATS NOT WHAT TONY TOLD ME
Stranger: tony is lier
Stranger: he's a lier and a thief.
You: well i have this old hairy guy named lorenzo telling me you told them stuff!!!
Stranger: lorenzo!? he paid tony!
Stranger: i havent said anything!
You: oh shit
You: cuz when lorenzo told me this, i kinda told him a few things
Stranger: run man.
Stranger: RUN.
You: OHHHH NO
Stranger: WHAT DID YOU DO????
You: can i borrow your car??!!!
Stranger: TAKE THE PLATES OFF
Stranger: we'll have to burn a body.
You: SHITTTTT
You: COME WITH ME RIGHT NOW
Stranger: oh man oh man oh man
You: WE GOTTA GET SOME MONEY AND GET TO MEXICO HELLA FAST
Stranger: WE NEED PASSPORTS
You: SHIT
You: WE'LL BE ILLEGAL ALIENS
Stranger: FFFFFFFUUUUUU
You: ohshitshitshit
Stranger: why.
Stranger: WHY
You: I'M SORRY
You: I THOUGHT THEY ALREADY KNEW EVERYTHING
Stranger: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO /CALL/
Stranger: so we could get the story STRAIGHT
You: I'M SORRY
You: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?
Stranger: ooh man. we cant do anything about it now.
Stranger: comeon comeon
Stranger: we can head for canada.
You: DON'T WE NEED PASSPORTS FOR THERE TOO?????
Stranger: WE WONT STAND OUT AS MUCH THERE
Stranger: but yes.
You: shittt
You: ok
You: here's the plan
You: we make a run for the border
You: drive through the country
You: we won't get noticed in the country will we?
You: we'll say we're farmers
Stranger: farmers are good
Stranger: yea.
Stranger: yea okay
You: wait do we have to like dress like eskimos or something?
Stranger: ...is canada cold?
Stranger: I DONT KNOW MAN
You: shit
You: does it snow all year?!
Stranger: maybe?!
Stranger: ...do you hear something
You: OMG
Stranger: man... man oh man
You: sirens
You: shit
You: RUN RUN RUN RUN FORREST RUN
Stranger: we GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE
Stranger: RUN!!
You: DOWN THE ALLEY
You: RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND MAN RUN
Stranger: IM RUNNING IM FUCKING RUNNING
Stranger: UP THE FIRE ESCAPE.
You: FUCK
You: OWWW
You: MY FOOT
You: HELP IM STUCK
Stranger: MOVE YOUR FAT ASS. WE CANT GET CAUGHT
You: MY PANTS RIPPED
Stranger: are you wearing underware??
Stranger: YOU BETTER HAVE CLEAN ONES ON MAN
You: OH SHIT NO I'M NOT
You: shit
You: HELLO GET BACK HERE
You: HELP ME
Stranger: *helps*
Stranger: COME ON
You: QUICK OVER THERE
You: WE'LL HIDE WHILE THEY RUN PAST
Stranger: then shut the fuck up DD:
You: *whispers* ok sorry
You: hide hide
Stranger: ....you better hope nothing crawls up your ass *hidehidehide*
You: oh shit...oh shit was that a spider? i want my mommy
Stranger: shhhhhhhhhhh
You: oh shit....
Stranger: shutup
You: sorry
Stranger: ...........
Stranger: .........
Stranger: are they gone? *whisper*
You: YES. RUN.
You: RUN LIKE HELL
Stranger: RUUUUUN!!
Stranger: COVER UP
You: RUNNNNN MOFO RUNNNNN
You: OH SHIT
Stranger: IMGOINGIMGOING
You: DID THEY SEE MY WILSON?
Stranger: PROBABLY
You: SHIT
Stranger: YOUR FAULT
You: CRAP
You: YOUR FAULT FOR RIPPING MY PANTS WHEN I GOT STUCK
Stranger: ME?
Stranger: you're the one that fell!
You: yeah you
You: YOU PULLED ME
Stranger: YOU FELL
You: YOU RAN AHEAD WITHOUT ME D:
Stranger: D: COPS MAN.
You: OH SHIT
Stranger: crooked cops
You: hiiiide
Stranger: *hiiiiiiiiides*
You: *hideshideshides*
Stranger: D: *quiet*
You: *is quiet* D:
Stranger: *cricket*
You: *stomps cricket*
Stranger: ...dude. violent much?
You: SORRY!!!!! kay...on the count of 3....run
You: 3
You: 2
You: 1
You: RUN
Stranger: *RUUUUUUUUNS*
You: !!!!
You: OHHHHHHHH CAR
You: BUS
Stranger: HURRYITUP
You: TRACTOR
Stranger: HORSE!
You: I'M TRYING TO STAY ALIVE
You: PIG
Stranger: WHAT THE HELL!?
You: WHERES ALL THE ANIMALS COMING FROM?
Stranger: Oh. its a tractor accident full of animals!
You: OH SHIT
Stranger: we can steal a horse!
You: OMG DYING PIG
You: HELP ME HEAL THE PIG FIRST
Stranger: or a caa.....DDD:
Stranger: PIG.
You: MOUTH TO MOUTH
You: MOUTH TO MOUTH ON THE PIG DO IT
Stranger: *kicks*
You: NOOOOOO
Stranger: WHYTHEFUCKWOULDYOUEVENSUGGESTHAT????
You: IT'S A DYING ANIMAL OF GODS CREATION
Stranger: but..
Stranger: its full of germs man
You: OH FINE
You: OK JUMP ON THAT HORSE
You: JUMP
Stranger: *RIDES HORSE LIKE A MO'FUCKING COWBOY*
You: GIDDYAP
Stranger: FUCK YEA
You: I FEEL LIKE A COWBOY
Stranger: ITS EPIC
You: I FEEL SO FREEEE
You: OH THERE GOES MY PANTS
Stranger: DDDD:
You: I'M RIDIN NAKED
Stranger: LIKE THAT CHICK IN HISTORY.
You: WHAT CHICK??? NAKED CHICK WHERE????
Stranger: CAR
You: OH SHIT
You: let's ride through the field it will be safer
Stranger: GO MAN GO.
You: RUNRUNRUN
Stranger: ILL FOLLOW
You: YOU'RE ON THE SAME FUCKING HORSE AS ME
Stranger: DAMMIT.
You: GET BACK UP HERE
Stranger: SPACE. SPACE BETWEEN US
You: HOLD ONTO ME
You: DON'T LET GO
Stranger: IF I FALL OFF THIS BEAST, IM KICKING YOUR ASS
You: JUST HOLD ON OK
Stranger: ALRIGHTALRIGHT
You: PUT YOUR HANDS A LITTLE LOWER YOU'RE TOUCHING MY NIPPLES
Stranger: NOT MY FAULT YOUR A SKINNY ASS.
Stranger: *around waist*
You: NOT MY FAULT YOU NEED TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT AND ENVY MY SLENDERNESS
Stranger: THATS NOT SLENDER. THATS A SKELETON DANCING
You: OUCH IM SO HURT
Stranger: WE'RE NOT MOVING.
You: THE HORSE IS EATING BUTTERCUPS
You: STOP IT HORSE
Stranger: DDDDDD:
Stranger: *kicks it*
You: THATS ANIMAL CRUELTY
Stranger: HE WONT MOVE!
You: OKAY GET OFF AND RUN
You: RUNRUNRUN
Stranger: STUPID HORSE!
You: FORGET THE HORSE
You: oh shit. a river
Stranger: DDD:
Stranger: THANKFULLY I CAN SWIM
You: I CANT
Stranger: YOUAREUSELESS
You: CARRY MEEEEE
Stranger: *WHIIIIINES*
You: stop whining and carry me like a man
Stranger: bullshit. learn to swim
You: i dont have TIME
Stranger: SONOFABITCH
Stranger: hurry up.
You: QUICK OVER HERE. DRY LAND.
Stranger: *runs*
You: oh sweet mother of god
You: GET IN THAT PICKUP TRUCK
Stranger: (YO. im crashing out here xD )
Stranger: got a yahoo IM?)
You: no sorry :(
You: check out my blog though
You: www.desperatelyseekingamusement.blogspot.com
You: :)
Stranger: long title is long, and i'll bother you there
Stranger: xD
You: haha SWEET
You: later gator :)
Stranger: see ya fat ass :D
You: :D

In case the stranger I conversed with is reading this blog: thank you for making my life slightly more complete. And to everyone else...I'll write a proper blog post soon. I've just been lazy lately. AKA: I actually kinda sorta happen to have a life outside of the blogosphere.

See you sexy things soon. Peace out!!

The Height of my Immaturity

2010-03-03T08:52:00.003-05:00

I recently discovered omegle.com, a website with the slogan "Talk to strangers". I'm not typically one to talk to complete strangers on the interweb, but the fact that you can be completely anonymous on Omegle (since no sign up is required, your chat partners know absolutely nothing about you except what you tell them) has its appeal. I'm guessing 99% of all Omegle users log on either to mess around with others users' heads or to engage in a little cyber sex (if I had a nickel for everytime someone skipped "hello" and decided to tell me how aroused they were...) and maybe 1% log on to have an actual conversation. Being the type of person I am, I can't resist starting conversations with people to see just what sort of random shit can be said. I thought I'd share a few of the funny exchanges I've had.
Sidenote: Since I'm almost kinda sorta advertising a chatroom, I feel obligated to say play it safe and don't share personal information with any of the creepy creepers on Omegle no matter how nice they seem. If you do, I'll stab you with my socks. You've been warned!

Stranger: hey
You: hey hunneh bunneh
Stranger: hey sexaaay thang.
You: smack me up real good with that long one china style
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: remember me????
Stranger: no
You: :( oh
You: i remember you from band camp
Stranger: ......
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: once upon a time
Stranger: hi
You: you fail at helping me tell a story
Stranger: asl
You: THE ALIENS ARE EATING MY OVARIES
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: shall we speak in only questions?
Stranger: hi
Stranger: ok
Stranger: are u a girl?
You: do you think i look like a man?
Stranger: hehe
Stranger: I do not know
You: that wasnt a question!
You: sorry you dont win the million dollar subaru
You have disconnected.

Stranger: Hey there. - 23/M/US
You: 40/m/US
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: OUCH CHARLIE THAT HURT
Stranger: charlie !
Stranger: oh oh oh heheheheh charlie bit me.....
You: charlie bit ma finga!

Stranger: hi
Stranger: 22 m uk
You: 50 f usa
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hello
You: so i said to rashonda, "you leave that man alone!"
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hey
You: i like big butts and i cannot lie
Stranger: you other mothers cant deny
You: that when a girl walks in with an itty waist and a big thing in your face i get SPRUNG
Stranger: yeh thats about all i know
You: same here :(
Stranger: haha
Stranger: so does that opening line work much? do people know it?
You: first time i tried it! you should feel honoured
Stranger: i do :)

You: wanna be featured in a blog?
Stranger: no
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: Hi
You: have you let jesus into your heart?
Stranger: Yes.
Stranger: jesus is my savior.
Stranger: Now gtfo of my onvo
Stranger: convo*
You: a christian would not speak unto another christian in such a rude manner
You: you are going to hell
Stranger: If you're going to use words like 'unto' at least attempt correct English.
You: if you're going to insult me, at least hit me where it hurts
Stranger: Not insulting.
Stranger: Asking you to use proper grammer.
Stranger: That's all.
You: you can't even spell grammar properly
Stranger: You can't even capitalis
Stranger: e
You: ohh i pray for your future
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: i am 13
You: your mother allows you to talk to strangers on the internet?
Stranger: uh yea.......
You: i guess she doesn't watch dr phil
Stranger: no wtf
Stranger: wats he gt 2 do wit it
You: well dr phil teaches mothers of the dangers on the internet
Stranger: i couldnt care less
Your conversational partner has disconnected

Stranger: hi
You: so is brad pitt really hotter than obama?
Stranger: i think so
Stranger: but have you seen his new beard though?
You: yeah he looks kinda like a hobo
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: mega hobo
Stranger: and his little babies
You: oh well...i'm a hobosexual :)
Stranger: oh cool
Stranger: thats cool
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: how bout that snow eh
Stranger: ??
You: not a hoser eh?
Stranger: where are you from?
You: canada eh
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: wat u up 2?
You: i'm flouncing around naked. what are you doing?
Stranger: lol im not naked
You: oh how disapointing:(
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: hello
Stranger: hi
Stranger: asl?
You: may i interest you in some obese chinese women dancing naked to single ladies?
Stranger: fuck you
Stranger: Fuck You
Stranger: Fuck You
Stranger: Fuck You
Stranger: Fuck You
Stranger: Fuck You
Stranger: Fuck You
You: what a large vocabulary you have
Stranger: Fuck You
You: anything else?
Stranger: i live in brazil
Stranger: and u?
You: now you wanna get all cozy after swearing at me?
Stranger: vai toma na bunda
You: if you're swearing at me in portuguese, i'll be severely displeased
Stranger: problema e seu tosco
You have disconnected.

I hope you enjoyed my immaturity. Maybe I'm the only one who finds this even remotely amusing, but if not, I'll post some more conversations up in the future.
Cheers!

SEX! SEX! SEX!

2010-02-20T03:17:00.002-05:00

Now that the title of my post has captured your attention, I shall now entertain you with a few anecdotes taken from real life.

According to many of my friends, sex is a much avoided topic between them and their parents. If it is discussed, it's a "use condoms, don't get pregnant, don't get an STD, see ya later have fun at school" sort of thing.

My family? Not so much. While my mother occasionally will cover her ears and go LALALALALALALA if I happen to start talking about something a little too sexual, my family still tends to have quite open (sometimes a little toooo open) conversations. Sometimes these conversations are immensely funny while others are a little more serious and land me in a chair at the health unit across the desk from a middle-aged woman who starts asking me intrusive questions and whips out a suitcase full of birth control and a wooden dildo. (Wooden? Seriously? Like..ow, splinters.)

To be honest, I was actually rather excited by the prospect of visiting the health unit for a pep talk about safe sex. My oldest - and most over-protective - sister proposed the idea after telling me about her trip there when she was a teenager.
"I had to put a you-know-what on a wooden...thingy!" she told me over the head of her unsuspecting five-year-old daughter. And when the innocent child was out of earshot: "They sent me home with a bag full of free condoms and foam!"
Free condoms and foam?! If it's free, I want it. If it will spice up my fun drawer, I want it. The only sexy things sitting in the bottom drawer of my bedside table were a few LifeStyles condoms my OTHER over-protective sister had given me and a drinking straw shaped like male genitalia.

On the way into the health unit, my sister asked if I wanted her to stay in the waiting room or go in with me for the actual appointment. Out of consideration for her, I let her decide. "You know I'm open about things..." I remember telling her.
"Unfortunately for me!" she said. Yeesh. She mothers me more than my own mother. But in the end, she decided to tag along. Nosy, nosy. According to her, the experience she had there as a teen was much different than the experience I had. Apparently the person giving her the safe sex talk seemed to be trying to scare her away from the idea of sexual activity and used "proper terms". I went to the appointment all prepared to keep myself from saying things like "shebang", "jerk off", and "cum", which are all a part of my everyday vocabulary. While asking my questions, I had to try not to gag when saying "masturbation" and "ejaculation". But my efforts were all in vain...for the middle-aged health professional asked me about "fingering" and said "if a guy wears a condom that's too tight, he'll be fine, but say if he wears it for a week, then his penis might fall off."

ALLLLLLLLRIGHTY then. I'll just ignore the obvious question of "who the hell wears a condom for a week?!" and try to stop myself from seeing a really nasty mental image. Anywho...moral of the story: my sister was shocked and appalled by the use of the word "fingering". Oh, darling sis, I don't know how you became pregnant with your own child.

For some reason I didn't have to put a you-know-what on a wooden thingy and I didn't get any free foam, but I DID get free condoms. When the middle-aged woman asked, "Any questions?" I eagerly said, "Can I have some condoms?" And she proceeded to grab a "condom pouch" and pack it full of condoms in every colour of God's creation. I even have a black condom, which I am quite proud of. It has sparked many black cock jokes, but that's another story for another time.

Fast forward a couple weeks and Over-Protective Sister #2 digs two glow-in-the-dark condoms out of her kitchen cupboard of all places and gives them to me. I wonder what else she has in there...

Then just the other day my OTHER sister (who isn't exactly over-protective) comes over and gives me cherry flavored orgasmic sex spray that "tingles on contact". I sprayed some on my arm and licked it off. It made my tongue go numb. Makes me think twice about ever spraying it on my erogenous zones as the label suggests.

THEN the night before last, my mother and I went to Walmart to get some stuff for my cold and happened to notice that the condoms are right beside the cough medicine...so naturally, we went on over for a looksee. My mother spent most of her time checking out that vibrating ring (in order to pleasure a woman, does the guy stick the ring on his finger or on his johnson? We weren't quite sure) while I was rather excited by the flavoured and ribbed condoms and the array of flavoured lubricants. Then a young couple came along and looked at us suspiciously, so we left to give them some privacy. The young man immediately began to rub the young girl's butt and excuse me while I barf forever.

So long story short, my family is an interesting combo of open and over-protective and definitely not afraid to whip out some condoms or a bottle of orgasmic sex spray at any time.
Sidenote: Sam wants to be mentioned again, so that is why I am informing you all that he gave me a bottle of lube. Non-flavoured. (Borrrrring!) My fun drawer is now as fun as it's ever been. All I need now is a man...

PS: I actually own this book. It's been passed down from sister to sister and finally landed in my possession, and one day I shall give it to my niece...or on second thought, I might just keep it for myself.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaack!!!

2010-02-18T21:01:00.002-05:00

Well HELLO AGAIN you sexy blog-reading people! Miss me??

Yes, I kinda fell off the planet for a month and some odd weeks. For some reason my normally lame and boring life became suddenly interesting (a little TOO interesting) and I became drained of all creative energy, therefore blogging went on hold. But never fear, for I have returned! Thanks to Sam, my motivation for writing witty witicisms has returned. He's promised to pay me a hundred bucks if I write a whole novel. I'm gonna hold you to that one, kid. Anyway, the idea of getting back to writing reminded me of my neglected blog...so here I am!

What interesting happenings transpired during my absense, you may ask? Allow me to enlighten you.

I went blond.

And yes, blonds do have more fun. I've been getting more action lately. Dayum I must be lookin goooood!

Also, holy dramaaa. Seems like everyone's either breaking up or entering a blossoming romance. I myself have had a few romantic encounters during the past couple months and I've concluded what I'd already suspected: being single is a pretty good time. If you know how to enjoy it. While my single friends whined all throughout Valentine's Day (or Single Awareness Day as some may call it), I was enjoying the fact that I was free to make awkward sexual advances on anyone I damn well please.

Sam and I both recently experienced break-ups. His was one of the ones where you buy lots of fattening food that will one day destroy the planet and eat ice cream by the bucket. And that's precisely what we did.
Sidenote: you know what eating ice cream leads to? Watching half a movie and falling asleep.
Second sidenote: check out this pimped-out ride. My life is complete now that I have taken a ride in Sam's shaggin wagon...but no we did not shag in his wagon, unfortunately.

My break-up was a little less traditional, but hey, that's how I do things. It was an open relationship and I was feeling a little stifled even by that. So, as my sister worded it, I broke off the openness. It wasn't all kittens and rainbows though, even though I am feeling significantly...freer. (That's an odd-looking word by the way.) But let's not go there.

After all the drama, I got sick...and I'm STILL sick. I've been squirting this stuff up my nose. It goes in one nostril and comes out the other. Pretty fascinating, I know, but it feels disgusting. Reminds me of being a little kid and nearly drowning. Not fun.

ANYWAY. Those are a few of the exciting moments you've missed out on recently. And I have some more exciting moments I will blog about very soon. Peace out!!!

Hello 2010!

2010-01-07T04:38:00.002-05:00

I'm one of those people that tends to feel a bit sad around New Year's, mainly because it's a reminder of how quickly time passes. But this New Year I was a little sad to say goodbye not only to 2009 but to a decade that saw me through the majority of my life. (Yeah. I'm THAT young.) However, this isn't meant to be a completely emo blog entry...I'm quite excited for once to be starting not only a new year but a new decade as well. So although I'm about a week late in doing this, I thought I'd reflect a little on 2009 and then share my plans for 2010. Ready? Set? Go!

2009

A Year of...Discovery (that sounded way too movie trailer voice-overish)

In 2009 I discovered males. Not that I hadn't discovered them so to speak before 2009, but I'd always been a little too scared of them to properly figure out what they're all about. What did I discover they're all about? Mostly they just want to bang anything that moves but I also discovered there are a rare few good catches here and there that are interested in more than interlocking certain body parts.

I discovered that if I consume alcohol, I will do a number of things I will not ordinarily do sober, including but not limited to: showing off my dance moves in public, puking on sidewalks, laughing at things that aren't even remotely funny, grabbing random people and kissing the crap outta them, and sharing personal information I would not usually share.

I discovered that I can actually ride upside-down rollercoasters without feeling like I'm going to die of serious head trauma.

I discovered that my mother is quite easy to talk to about a number of topics ranging from sexual positions to vibrators. (Just the other night as she was making dinner she asked me if I'd like her to buy me a vibrator. But that's another story for another time.)

I discovered I have many faults including being extremely self-centred and hypocritical, and I also discovered that this just makes life THAT much more interesting.

I discovered I can't shut up about personal information that others would probably be much happier not knowing about.

I discovered seeing Green Day live is a religious experience and I want to experience it many more times.

I also discovered I really don't like hearing other peoples' personal information. I'd rather be sharing my own thanks.

And last but certainly not least, I discovered the wonderful world of blogging.

2010

A Year For Goals! Woot!

My New Year's Resolution was to be a Yes Man but I've already failed and the year is only a week old. So instead of resolutions, I'm going to create goals and by the end of the year I will share how many of them I have accomplished. (Keep in mind that these goals may appear dumb and meaningless. Also, they are not listed in any special order.)

1. Get some more holes in my body. I'd like to start with getting my ears pierced twice more and getting my lip and bellybutton pierced. Once that has been accomplished, I'd like some cartiledge piercings and possibly some more on my face, but that can always wait for future years. Yes I am a teenager. How did you ever guess?
2. Get a job. The only job I have right now is volunteer work. I'd like to get a paying job so I can buy things and also pay for the aforementioned piercings. No more mooching off my mama.
3. Get a bunny. I really really really want a pet bunny. I think a cool name for one would be Sir Anthony Hopkins, but I wouldn't know what to call it for short.
4. Go to at least one concert. I love music. Need I explain more?
5. Write a whole novel. I've never written a complete novel before. I want to finally accomplish this goal that I've had since I was...what...eleven? Sheesh.
6. Start vlogging. All I need to do is find a good editing system that doesn't make my computer freeze up every two seconds and SHEBANG. I'm ready to roll.
7. Take advantage of the single life. Just recently I've come to realize how great being single can be, so I'd like to really play the field a bit before settling down again.
8. Get myself a man. After exploring my options, I hope to eventually find a suitable suitor. That is..unless I decide I REALLY like playing the field. (Did that just make me sound like a hoe? Not my intention.)
9. Get on TV. I don't care if I have to email Oprah with a sob story, send Ellen Degeneres a video of me dancing across my coffee table, enter a film festival, or join the adult film industry - I wanna be on TV! (I was serious about all of them except the last one.)
10. Learn to play guitar better, play drums, play piano, swim, horseback ride, get better at math, sing, draw better, cook, and make films. I could also add a few X-rated things to this list that I'd like to learn how to do but I'll spare you the sleepless nights.

2009 was a rough year for me in many ways but it was also an amazing year in many ways. I met some truly incredible people, had some unfortgettable experiences, and learned more in one year than I did in the previous three. Or maybe four. Or five. Or more.

NOW to all my lovely blog readers...assuming you still love me and will actually be reading this: care to share your New Year's resolutions or reflections on the past year? Any blogging goals you'd like to challenge me with for 2010? Doooo it!

HAPPY 2010!!

OH EM GEE IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

2009-12-25T03:37:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone! And if you don't celebrate Christmas: happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanzaa, happy whatever! I'm calling it Christmas Eve right now even though technically it's very early Christmas morning...

It's 3:22 AM, I just finished watching Prancer and hanging up my stockings (well, only one is for me, the rest are for my pets), and I'm about to hit the shower and get to bed...in my brand-spankin-new thermal underwear style PJ pants!

There are lots of prezzies under the tree with my name on them and I'm wondering whether or not I will burst forth from my bed at an ungodly hour tomorrow morning or if I'll keep hitting the snooze button when my alarm goes off at the time of 11 AM that my mother and I agreed upon.

I wish I could recapture that sickening thrill I felt as a little kid...so excited I'd be shaking and could barely dress myself and brush my teeth. Actually maybe not. I like to be nausea-free during Christmas these days...

3:28 AM! I really need to get to bed. A few years ago my niece jolted me out of bed at about 6 in the morning...I'd gotten only about 3 hours of sleep. Luckily that won't be happening again this year, but I still don't want to sleep the day away. I'm most likely heading off to my father's house to visit with him and my sisters after my mother and I have our little celebration here.

3:30 AM! My friend and I are talking about erections...ten years ago I was either fast asleep right now with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head (what the fuck is a sugarplum anyway?) or I was awake and creeping downstairs to see if my stocking had gotten bulky yet.

Ooh dirty thought. Where has my innocence gone?

3:32 AM! I got a few gifts tonight. A Tegan & Sara CD, some cool gloves, some Lip Smackers, and the previously mentioned pajamas. I really really really hope I get Tegan & Sara tickets because - 3:33 AM! - they're touring now and my life won't be complete til I see them live.

3:34 AM! Okay maybe I am really excited about Christmas. But I wish my siblings were still at home to join in with my excitement. It's just not the same! But...well I'm getting presents tomorrow!!!!!!!!

3:36 AM...okay I'm off to shower and then bed. Finally. Seriously. Yes. Okay. Going. Really. Now. Yes. Really.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!

I Just Lost My Respect For Adrien Brody

2009-12-09T04:54:00.006-05:00

So apparently Adrien Brody is defending Roman Polanski. Excuse me for just one moment.

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -

Okay I feel a bit better now. Except not really. I need to rant. WHY are so many celebrities defending Polanski? Adrien Brody, Penelope Cruz, Tilda Swinton...why must you make me lose respect for you? Woody Allen I can understand supporting this guy. After all, he did marry his own daughter, adopted or not. But I'm pretty much completely baffled by the fact that so many SEEMINGLY AWESOME people are defending Polanski and signing the petition for his release. How the fuck did this petition even come into existence? What world are we living in?

Ever had one of those I-can't-believe-this-is-happening moments? Like when you're in someone else's house and you're sittin on the crapper and realize there's no toilet paper? Or your mom tells you she's a lesbian? Or some guy writes a book called If I Did It, Here's How It Happened? ORRRRRR, a famous director DRUGS and RAPES and SODOMIZES a THIRTEEN-year-old girl and then a bunch of well-respected people defend him JUST BECAUSE he's a "GREAT DIRECTOR"? YEAH THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.

Apparently people are especially pissed off because he was arrested at an awards ceremony and they feel that it is "inadmissable" that government intrusion should occur during a celebration of artistic talent. HELLO WHAT SORT OF CRACK ARE YOU SMOKING, PEOPLE? If you want my opinion, I think it's inadmissable that a full-grown man drugged and raped a 13-year-old girl and then fled the country and lived in peace and fame and fortune for the past several decades. I think it's inadmissable that all these people are backing him up. I'd like to ask these people - what if it was you he raped? Or your daughter? I bet you wouldn't like him so much then.

Just because he's a celebrity does not mean he deserves special treatment. He's a human being and therefore deserves to be treated with equality, even and especially when it comes to punishment. People are always blathering on about how celebrities need fair and equal treatment but then when some hotshot director that everyone bows down before is arrested, they're all thinking "Ohmygod we're not gonna have any more good movies" instead of thinking "Holy shit he raped a girl and needs to get thoroughly spanked by the large hand of the law."

I'm pretty sure if some random guy named Jimbob Jones, the auto repairman from hicktown, Kentucky molested a young girl and then fled the country, people would all be shitting bricks about how he shouldn't have even been allowed enough freedom to escape. They'd be tracking that mofo down. And this god-forsaken petition never would have even come into existence, but if it did - well, sweet mother of god, I'd love to see what Adrien Brody and Penelope Cruz would have to say about THAT. I'm pretty sure 99% of the American population would be more than a little miffed - more like slightly outraged - and they'd want that guy to get a good long prison sentence to make sure he never has the chance to touch another innocent child again.

I honestly don't give a shit how much Polanski is respected in the film world. Sure, he directed Rosemary's Baby and The Pianist and yes they were amazing movies. But I'm sure even Ted Bundy was good at something and no one wanted him realeased.. but OH RIGHT he wasn't famous til after people found out about all the raping and murdering. I guess if you get famous for making movies and then rape someone, it's all cool, but you can't get famous for raping someone and then make movies. Funny how the world works isn't it? But seriously...I guarantee you that a large portion of the rapists and murderers of the world are very talented people and are capable of making amazing movies, writing amazing books, and composing amazing songs. Polanski could easily be one of those people. Secretly a great filmmaker, publicy a rapist. And no one would think twice about the films. They'd want him in prison.

If this really is about him being talented and well-respected, why not release every well-respected doctor for malpractice and every great teacher for having relations with a student? I guess it's not just about talent and being respected, it's about fame and having friends in high places. Bullshit much?

I hate Hollywood. And now I have to go seriously rethink what my opinion on Adrien Brody is. Perhaps I'll have to go back to Cillian Murphy. (Unless of course I find out he supports this shit, but he's made it pretty clear he tries to stay out of the spotlight, so I'm rather certain I won't be hearing anything about this out of him. Oh how I love you Cillian.)

Anyway, on a last note....opinions? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Questions! Questions! Questions!

2009-12-01T04:26:00.009-05:00

I was bored so I decided to take this survey. It's called "100 Questions You've Never Been Asked". But actually, I have been asked some of these before. I was going to put it on Facebook but then I remembered I hadn't blogged in a while. So I decided to put the survey here and that way all my little blog readers out in the blogosphere can get to know me better. Not that I expect any of you to actually read the whole thing. Or give a damn. (PS: If any of the questions are horribly mispelled, it isn't my fault. I copy and pasted and I corrected all the mispelled words that I noticed, but some may have slipped through. Nothing pisses me off more than mispelled words. Except maybe mispronounced words. You know you're a geek when...)

[1] Do you like Oreos?
I've not enjoyed Oreos very much ever since that time I ate a whole package of them in one day and then barfed them all up that night.

[2] Are there people you would be friends with if you could?
Aren't there lots of people that lots of people would be friends with if they could? I myself would like to be friends with Ellen Degeneres. I don't care if there's a 30-something-year age difference. I want to dance across coffee tables with her.

[3] Do you believe in vampires?
Anything's possible.

[4] Do you watch Scrubs?
I do not. Perhaps I should give it another try.

[5] Do you eat meat?
If I had self control, I'd be a vegetarian. But I don't have self control. Therefore, I eat gratuitous amounts of meat. I'm a carnivore.

[6] What is the one thing you'd go back and change if you had the chance?
There are different things, but in actuality, I'd rather not change things. I believe in the Butterfly Effect. Y'know, like maybe if I ate toast one day instead of cereal I'd be dead right now? That sort of thing.

[7] Have you ever skipped school?
Yes. I'm a bad child.

[8] Do you like lions?
They're only one of the coolest animals ever!

[9] Are you scared of snakes?
When I see snakes outdoors, yes I am afraid. Because I don't know if they're poisonous or if maybe they want to bite me. But I wouldn't mind having a little pet snake that isn't poisonous and doesn't want to bite me.

[10] Do you like to paint?
Indeed!

[11] Whats your zodiac sign?
Gemini. The twins. I have multiple personalities.

[12] Have you ever written a song?
I've written something like 400+ songs. Most of them were crap. Some are quite epic though.

[13] Would you smoke if your friends did?
I wouldn't do something just because my friends do, if I do something it's because I myself want to do it.

[14] Have you ever read Atonement?
It's on my to-read list.

[15] How old will you be in 4 months?
Still seventeen..almost eighteen though. Yikes, I'm gonna shrivel up and die soon.

[16] What's your favourite place to shop?
Anywhere with good clothes.

[17] Have you ever watched the eurovision song contest?
The what?

[18] Do you/have you ever owned a cat?
Yes ma'am! I have two cats now and my family had a cat named Cookie when I was a baby, but he ran away and never came back. (Insert supersadface here)

[19] Do you like to play Uno?
Fuck yes.

[20] Were you obsessed with Friends?
Still am.

[21] Do you love Hello Kitty?
Pretty much.

[22] Who is your favourite actor?
Adrien Brody, hands down. Ellen Page is also quite awesome, and I have many more favourites.

[23] What do you usually order at Starbucks?
Only been there once and I can't remember what I got.

[24] What colour's your toothbrush?
White and blue. My mother gave me a new toothbrush a little while ago and it HURT LIKE HELL. Those were some TOUGH BRISTLES. So I went back to my old one. Just thought I'd share.

[25] What shampoo do you use?
Whatever my mother buys.

[26] Where was the last place you went on holiday?
I don't go on holiday, unless day trips count.

[27] Do you ever skateboard?
I have a skateboard but I can't navigate it worth a damn. Anyone wanna teach me how to operate this apparatus?

[28] What's your favourite song?
I have many, but I really have a soft spot for Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day.

[29] What job would you like to have?
Novelist, filmmaker, stripper. Scratch the last one.

[30] Ever built a tree house when youe were younger?
A tree fort of sorts. I'm pretty sure we killed the tree.

[31] Have you ever been obsessed with skins?
Skins? What kind of skins? What the hell?

[32] What magazine do you usually buy?
I don't.

[33] Do you think there's really something over the rainbow?
Hate to break it to ya, but no.

[34] What's your favourite sour Skittle?
I forget what the flavours are, but as I recall they are all quite enjoyable.

[35] Have you seen the Simpsons Movie?
Of course. I'd never miss a movie with Green Day in it. Even if they do drown within the first few minutes of the film.

[36] Can you speak French?
A few words here and there. I could never hold up a conversation with a French person though.

[37] Have you ever been to the Hard Rock Cafe?
No. But I have a Hard Rock Cafe shirt. Win?

[38] Do you drink flavoured water?
No, it pretty much tastes like ass. Not that I know what ass tastes like...

[39] Do you play an instrument?
I play a little bit of guitar. I pretty much suck though.

[40] Do you/have you ever worn glasses?
Yes unfortunately. I'm rather blind. I wear contacts most of the time but it is said that on late nights when the moon is out, I can be found wearing glasses in my bedroom.

[41] Can you fit your whole fist in your mouth?
I wish. I tried. More than once.

[42] Did you cry at Titanic?
No, but I wanted to. I'm such a guy though; I do not like to cry in front of people.

[43] What's better, Christmas or your birthday?
Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[44] Do you think there's really such things as aliens?
The universe is pretty damn big, I'd be thoroughly surprised to find out it's empty except for us.

[45] Do you like Japanese anime?
Not overly, but I suppose I haven't given it much of a chance.

[46] Do you watch a soap?
No thank you, I have better things to do with my time.

[47] What do you sing in the shower?
I don't. But when I was a young kiddo I used to sing Figaro or however the hell you spell it.

[48] Do you like muffins?
Occasionally.

[49] Do you take a lot of photos?
I would if I had a digital camera. (Sadface)

[50] What music player have you got?
I have an iPod...yay me.

[51] Do you like crayons?
Indeed.

[52] What's your favourite CD?
Too many, way too many.

[53] Have you ever changed your email adress?
I have several different ones but I've always used the same one for my everyday stuff. I'm too lazy to switch all my contacts over.

[54] Have you ever put a video on the Internet?
Only one of my favourite hobbies!

[55] What did you last see at the cinema?
Good question. Ummmmmmmmm. I think I went to the drive-in. And saw Julie & Julia, The Hangover, and Perfect Getaway.

[56] What would you do if you found out you only had one day to live?
I'd cry.

[57] What's your favourite pizza?
Extra cheese, pepperoni, and Italian sausage. I am infamous for requestion "flat sausage" otherwise known as "flaccid sausage".

[58] What's your favourite Disney movie?
Oh this isn't fair. It's a tie between The Lion King and Snow White, but I have tons of others.

[59] Do you know anyone that's died?
Yes. Nothing witty to say about that.

[60] How many siblings do you have?
Three.

[61] Do you like the smell of vanilla?
If I'm in the mood for that sort of thing.

[62] Which hand do you write with?
The one that isn't...nevermind.
My right hand.

[63] Do you get on with your parents?
Do I get on with them? WTF? Sorry, my mind is making that sound dirty. Do I get ALONG with them? With my mother, yes. With my father, I suppose I don't see him often enough to get along or not get along, we just...get. Wait. Did that sound dirty too?

[64] Do you like the rain?
Hells yeah.

[65] Have you ever been sun burnt?
I don't think so.

[66] What colour are your bed sheets?
One is blue, the other is purple and green and black and yellow. Needless to say, they do not match.

[67] Have you ever been to church?
I've been to a church, but I have not been to a Sunday morning church service.

[68] Are you small for your age?
I'm about a fragment of an inch shorter than average female height.

[69] If you liked someone could you talk to them?
At all? of course. In fact I'd probably downright stalk and harass them.

[70] When was the last time you went out to dinner and where did you go?
Probably Swiss Chalet a few months ago.

[71] What would you do if a friend told you they were pregnent?
I'd be like ZOMG FO CEREAL?
And then I'd ask a million questions.

[72] If you could change your name what would you change it to?
I like my middle name. Molly. And yes I know it rhymes with "dolly". You do not have original thoughts.

[73] What colour are the towels in your bathroom?
I think the handtowel in there right now is peachy colour.

[74] Do you watch a lot of cartoons?
Animated movies, yes. But most cartoons on TV these days suck some huge balls compared to what I used to watch.

[75] Have you ever been on the Eiffel Tower?
In order to do so I'd have to be in Paris and I've never been in Paris.

[76] Which country would you most like to visit?
Australia or Africa would be pretty flippin sweet.

[77] Have you ever been to a wedding?
More than one. Last one I went to was my cousin's. It was an open bar. I had a bit too much to drink and ended up busting some rather interesting moves on the dancefloor. True story.

[78] Do you/have you ever kept a diary?
Yessir. I'm that kind of person.

[79] Are you a patient person?
Not really, no. I yell at inanimate objects. And hit them too.

[80] Do you have a calender?
Yes. It has Little Miss and Mr. Men characters on it. Badass, I know.

[81] Did you ever have sylvanian families when you were younger?
What families?

[82] What was the last thing you saw at the cinema?
You already asked me this question!!!

[83] Do you ever wear Converse?
Hell yes.

[84] Are you allergic to anything?
The doc said I may have seasonal allergies. And I had a reaction to a certain kind of soap. And I also have reactions to bandages. I hope it's not latex I'm allergic too. I really enjoy my condom collection.

[85] Apart from your own, which house were you last in?
Probably my sister's. I've been sick for a helluva long time so I haven't gotten out much.

[86] Have you ever swam with dolphins?
I wish. That would be epic.

[87] Have you ever skipped in the rain?
Probably.

[88] Have you ever made friends with someone that doesn't speak the same language?
I've made friends with people whose first language isn't English, but never with people who don't speak English at all. I wouldn't be able to understand them. I'm unilingual. I am ashamed.

[89] Do you ever wear odd socks?
Yes, sometimes I like to live dangerously.

[90] Do you play Sims 2 a lot?
Not at all actually.

[91] Do you like to watch musicals?
If they're good ones.

[92] When was the last time you went in the garden?
Which garden? Why do people assume I have a garden? Do I have a garden?

[93] Do you think zoos are ok?
I'm a little torn on this subject. Caring for and sheltering animals that for some reason can't live in the wild = good. Putting them on display = maybe not so good. I've also heard that they abuse animals at some zoos, which, frankly, makes me want to punch someone.

[94] What's your favourite heated drink?
Hot chocolate with whipped cream. It's like 2000 orgasms in my mouth.

[95] How many posters do you have in your room?
Over 100 I think. I can barely see the walls.

[96] Do you use notebooks a lot?
Pretty much.

[97] Which website do you visit the most?
Facebook. I think I need an intervention.

There's no #98? What the hell?

[99] Whats the longest you've ever been on the computer for?
Hours...I don't really want to think about how long.

[100] Do you take surveys a lot?
When I'm bored. Like now.

My Life Revolves Around the Latest communitychannel Video

2009-11-16T11:53:00.004-05:00

I, like most internet-addicted nerds, have several websites I check as soon as I boot up the computer each day. Sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes I just keep repeatedly checking these websites to look for anything new and interesting. I check my messenger, my e-mail account, my other e-mail account, my Facebook, a Green Day site, and Youtube. The latter I only really check for one reason: my life revolves around the latest communitychannel video. Natalie Tyler Tran is my new idol.

My man friend got me hooked last July. I was going through a rough time and found Nat's videos strangely therapeutic. Sitting in front of the computer day after day, watching video after video (and having a good chortle, as Nat would say), was a good way to keep my mind off less pleasant things. It also gave me new confidence in embracing my inner nerd. An attractive young woman stereotypically does not go to ComiCon and make videos for Youtube. Fuck stereotypes. I thank Nat for rebuilding my confidence in the women of today, just when I thought I was the only one who didn't give a damn about dieting and modelling and all that crap. As I said to one of my fellow communitychannel-addicted friends: "I think Nat helped me get over __(insert name of jerk ex-boyfriend here)__." To which, he of course, replied, "How, in turning you into more of a lesbian?"

Yeahhhhh no.

Anyway, I'm constantly checking Youtube to see if there's a new communitychannel video up. Every time there isn't, I'm severely disappointed. Every time there is, I drop everything I'm doing, crank up the volume, kick back, and enjoy.

When the video ends, I promptly think of something witty to say in an attempt to get myself into the infamous Porno Music/Comment Time. Thus far I have had no such luck. Only once I have achieved this goal will I be able to die happily.

(Also, once I have achieved falling in love, getting married, starting a fruitful career, and travelling the world.)

Thanks for being awesome Nat. By the way, that's what your mum said last night.

And for those of you unfamiliar with communitychannel, I suggest you begin making your life better today by watching the video below. (I know it looks like Asian porn, but it's not.)

Sickness = Rebelliousness

2009-11-14T15:19:00.002-05:00

The title says it all. I'm currently sick with I-hope-it's-not-swine-flu and I realized that I really live life on the edge when I feel like I'm dying.

-I wear colours that don't match
-I wear the same clothes for days on end
-I neglect to shower, let alone shave, for countless days
-I fall asleep without brushing my teeth
-I sleep at all hours of the night and day (not that I don't do this when I'm not sick, but right now I'm not even trying to sleep like a normal human being)
-I shamelessly act like a small child (Mommy will you make me a sandwich? Buy me popsicles? Get me some ginger ale? Will you rub my back? Can you get me an I Spy book from the library?)
-I don't make my bed
-I act disgusting, what with all the hawking and hacking that, I will argue to anyone who dares complain, I have a right to be doing because my lungs are filled with junk and theirs are not

Now that you have perfectly envisioned me in such an unattractive way, I will leave you while I go curl up with a blanket, some ginger ale, a book, and dirty socks.

Four Men, Nudity, and a Car Wash

2009-11-10T20:17:00.001-05:00

Today a news headline on msn.com caught my attention: "Four men get naked, use car wash as shower."

Now, any sentence with the words "men" and "naked" in it is bound to snag my interest, but I found this article particularly amusing because of where and why the men were naked. Here's part of the article:

"Au-to naturel: 4 Australian men face charges for nude frolicking at car wash
BRISBANE, Australia - It was just a routine car wash. Except there was no car - and no clothing.
Four Australian men who allegedly undressed and soaped up at a car wash have been charged with exposure and public nuisance. Police say the two 19-year-old and two 23-year-old men paid for a wash before stripping nude and cleaning themselves in the soapy water while their female companions took photos.
Police arrived mid-cycle after being called Sunday by Smart Wash operators in the town of Biloela in Queensland state. The four men are due to appear in court next month."

God, I love Aussies. Especially Australian men. With no clothing. Bathing in a car wash. Are any of these photos on the internet? Anyway...
Does anyone else find it just a titch redonkulous that these guys are facing charges for showering in a car wash? I mean, which part is so offensive? That they were naked? That they were in a car wash without a car? That their women friends were taking photos? That they were showering together? I think they should be given credit for conserving water by bathing together and also for practicing personal hygiene. I also support nudism and the beauty of the unclothed human body, so by all means, go ahead and flaunt it. I think it's a waste of time and money to be making a big kerfuffle about a few guys who aren't hurting anyone or committing any serious crimes.
And they paid to use the car wash, right? See, they weren't even cheating the business out of money. Maybe the workers in the Queensland legal system are just a bit bored and need something to do. Anyone else want to share some opinions on the matter?

Now if you'll excuse me, I want to go round up some friends and visit the local car wash.

Reasons Why I'm Screwed Up

2009-11-08T09:46:00.009-05:00

I've been prowling around Youtube lately looking for some of the shows I used to watch as a little kid. No wonder I'm fucked up. So so so long ago when I was a wee child, way back in the '90's, childrens' television was amazing...but also severely disturbing. Not as disturbing as Dora and Diego though. That's a whole 'nother level of whack. Anywho, here's just a little proof of the traumatizing things I was exposed to.

BUMP IN THE NIGHT

I must admit this was one of my favourite shows as a little kiddo - and still remains to this day one of my favourite shows - but it sure scared the living crap out of me. A green monster lives under a boy's bed and eats his dirty socks. He has a friend, a blue squishy creature, who lives in the toilet. The toys come to life at night and not all of them are friendly. And of course there's the Closet Monster, which I literally had nightmares about as a kid. The video I included is an episode featuring the monster himself. I'm pretty sure if someone came up with a kids' show like this these days, it'd be banned hella fast. Also, I don't think they'd be allowed to have a theme song that includes such lyrics as, "You can bump with a doll, bump with a bug, bump on the cieling and bump on the rug." Or maybe my mind is just unusually dirty?

COW AND CHICKEN

"Mama had a chicken, Mama had a cow. Dad was proud. He didn't care how." And so begins a show about a cow and her brother who is a chicken, the children of human parents. I don't care what they say about their dad - if I was their dad, I wouldn't be proud and I'd definitely care how my wife managed to birth a cow and a chicken. Either she's been fucking bulls and roosters or she has a very serious medical condition. Either way, I wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot condom. Of course, as an innocent child, I didn't understand the subliminal hints at bestiality.

DO YER SOCKS GET SOGGEH?

I remember being constantly exposed to this childrens' music video. I'm pretty sure our good old friend Douglas John was smoking some crack when he decided dressing up in a kilt and singing about soggy socks and little oat cakes with a Scottish accent was a good idea.

ARTHUR...Swearing in a childrens' show?!

I guess the makers of Arthur were trying to teach kids that swearing is bad, but I'm guessing their little plan probably backfired. DW learns a word that, for the duration of this episode, is always bleeped out. Which makes me very curious as to what the word is supposed to be. I gotta give them credit for bleeping it out though, instead of substituting some lame-ass word like "furball" for a derogatory term, as they did on the Berenstain Bears. A little shocking to see little cartoon children bleeping like nobody's business nonetheless. Watch your *bleep* language, kids.

DONTCHA PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!

So this is a message from Concerned Childrens Advertisers...but it scares the living hell outta me. It starts off with a freaky blue puppet making out with a potted plant. She is then joined by her equally freaky blue puppet brother who tells her not to put anything in her mouth until someone she loves tells her it's okay. She then proceeds to say, "I love you, can I eat your guitar?" And then she bites into it before he has a chance to respond. Sounds like something I did to someone once...except it wasn't my brother and it wasn't a guitar, but I pulled the whole, "I love you, can I *bleep*?"
Jokes, jokes. But really, nothing gives me dirtier thoughts than this friggin commercial. Sounds like a song warning against putting certain parts of the human anatomy in your mouth. Anywho, what I'm trying to say is, singing blue puppets and beets and talking lions are not exactly the best role models for children. More like reasons for them to develop psychological problems.

So there you have it. The reasons for my mental issues.

Halloween Shenanigans

2009-11-03T21:31:00.002-05:00

Another Halloween has come and gone. I can't believe Christmas is next month. Last year on Halloween, I awoke to my alarm clock playing Christmas songs. Thankfully that didn't happen this year. I like to focus on one holiday at a time, thanks!

My friend joined me for some Halloween shenanigans. It took all of my power to refrain from raping him. He was THAT dashing in his ensemble costume of bear ears, bear paws, tiger tails, tie, sheriff badge, and guns. I myself was a pirate cat. We trick-or-treated, got lost in my own neighbourhood, saw some black cats, and held a seance in the cematary. We found the grave of a man by the name of Wildman. I kid you not. We set out some chips and candy as offerings and attempted to summon his spirit. Nothing happened. Then we tried to summon his wife only to realize she's actually still alive. Fail? We also did something possibly slightly less than legal that I shall not confess to.

All in all, it was an epic night. Now it's time to get excited about snow and presents! I have a feeling I won't have time to work off all the candy I've been inhaling before I start consuming mass amounts of shortbread cookies and hot chocolate. Now for a couple photos from the memorable night!

Someone wasn't putting out...

And this somehow happens to be a jack-o-lantern...

Three More Days 'Til Halloween, Sil-ver Shamrock!

2009-10-28T02:49:00.003-04:00

Only a few days left until Halloween and I only just got my pumpkin and barely started decorating. Popular opinion might deem me too old for trick-or-treating but when have I ever given a shit about popular opinion? I've trick-or-treated every year of my life. Even when I was four months and some odd weeks old, I was out there dressed as what my mother calls a "Scottish lass".

I've done a lot of your average unoriginal Halloween costumes - skeleton, witch, Grim Reaper, vampire, zombie, monster. A few horror movie villians - the ghost face guy from Scream and the killer - or should I say killers - from Funny Games and the dead chick from The Grudge. A couple celebrities - Billie Joe Armstrong and Avril Lavigne. As a small child I was Little Red Riding Hood. A couple years ago I was Little DEAD Riding Hood. I also recall dressing as a bunny, a bumblebee, and a crayon.

I think it was the year I was five that I headed out with my sister dressed as a witch (I can't remember what she was) and then came back home after collecting a lot of candy. However, we were greedy little bastards and had the clever plan to change our costumes and visit the same houses again. My mother put a stop to our shenanigans. She let us change our costumes (second time around, I was Pocahontas) but no children of hers would be seen visiting the same houses twice.

I think that was the same Halloween my sister stashed her candy in a stainless steel bowl under her bed. In the dark, this candy-in-a-bowl-with-light-reflecting-off-of-it looked a hell of a lot like a monster. I remember my mom saying, "I never knew candy could be so scary..."

This year I'm thinking I'll be a black cat. But with a twist of originality. I have a few plastic retractable knives, so I could be a killer cat. I also have a badge and a couple plastic guns, so I could be a cop cat. Decisions, decisions.

The night before Halloween I'm volunteering at my local library's annual celebration. Kids are going to be led on a little "ghost tour" around the library, stopping every now and then to observe a "ghost" and learn how they came to be dead. My role in all this is dressing up as the night janitor who was killed by a rubber chicken. Don't ask.

On the actual night of Halloween I'm having a friend over from out of town. He wanted me to mention his awesomeness/lameness in my blog, so that's what I'm doing. Happy now? I don't even know if he'll read this. I could say anything about him and he might never see it! I WANT TO LATHER YOUR BODY IN PESTO SAUCE AND LICK IT OFF. That'll be awkward if he does read this. Anyway...we'll be out trick-or-treating and pretending we're not far too old to be doing so. Might hit up a party, visit the cemetary, frighten little children...y'know, the usual.

I hope you all have a happy Halloween and pig out on lots of candy! Now, just because I have an immature sense of humour, here's a few pictures for your amusement...

My Cat Ricocheted Off My Crotch

2009-10-16T01:58:00.001-04:00

The title says it all.

Tonight when I was walking past the table upon which my cat Gizmo has his food and water bowls, he decided to leap onto the table precisely at that very same moment, causing him to collide with my pelvis and ricochet back onto the floor with a mew of surprise and protest. I think it was a bit of an awkward moment that left both of us wondering how my pelvis became so springy. Gives the term "SHWING" a whole new meaning. But I guess the troubling circumstance should not be the highly deflective state of my crotch, but rather if my crotch did not repel airborne cats. Then my cat would be stuck to my pelvis and that, my friends, would be a real problem.

The handsome devil in the above picture is Gizmo himself.

There's A Reason I Don't Sleep Naked

2009-10-15T23:58:00.002-04:00

Since my mother's currently learning about nightmares and night terrors and sleepwalking and all that good stuff in one of her classes, I've been thinking about my own somnambulistic escapades.

When I was younger, I had my share of sleepwalking and sleeptalking episodes. According to my sister (who would like me to mention her more often in my "yakking". Thanks for the support, sis) I once beat up her husband in my sleep when I was about eight years of age. This is pretty impressive considering I don't exactly have fists of fury when I'm awake. I have no memory whatsoever of this event. A year or two after that incident, I had another episode in which I went all around the house looking for a shirt that did not exist. I've had scattered episodes of sleeptalking and even sleeplaughing since then, but the most common thing I do in my sleep is...well, I'm not quite sure. It might be karate or jiu-jitsu or some form of interpretational dance. Whatever it is, I sometimes make thumping noises against the wall and knock over my bedside lamp, and almost always wake up with twisted sheets and blankets on the floor. I also have this habit of undressing myself in my sleep. For instance, on cold nights I may go to bed wearing pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt over my usual boxers and tank top, and wake up in the morning to find the extra clothes no longer on my body. What keeps me from stripping down completely, I have no idea. But the fact that I kick off my blankets and do strange things in my sleep combined with the fact that my mother often comes into my room trying to rouse out of my nightly coma - and the fact that I may at any time have a spontaneous sleepwalking excursion - creates a very good reason for me not to sleep naked.

Now as for when the time comes to move in with a (theoretical) love interest...well, let's just hope he doesn't mind getting karate-chopped in his sleep.

Innappropriate Family Conversation

2009-10-12T04:39:00.002-04:00

Many of my friends have told me that my family is oddly open about things. This evening's events proved to me that my friends are right (although I never doubted them for a second). Since I live way up here in cold, cold Canada (in an igloo, since that's what all Canadians live in), I get to celebrate Thanksgiving a whole month before my American friends below the border. Tonight's Thanksgiving feast consisted solely of pies, cakes, trifle, coffee, and tea. (Tomorrow there will be a second feast at my father's house, which will include the infamous turkey.) Did we have a good, wholesome family conversation tonight? Yes...if you consider such topics as nipple hair, ass shaving, ballsucking, pubic hair, vibrators, bestiality, pornography and "little floppity-doo-dahs" (you DON'T wanna know) to be a part of good wholesome family conversation. This makes my family sound like a bunch of perverted raging sex addicts, but surprisingly a large number of my relations are rather innocent and quite non-slutty. At least I hope so.

On a last note, the two fun family quotes of the day are "hairy areolas" and "hairy derriere". Say those five times fast. Oh and on one more last note, I'm not as immature as I seem. Really.

Some Interesting Events That Transpired Since My Last Blogging Binge

2009-10-10T14:45:00.004-04:00

Interesting Event Numero Uno: The Mystery of the Black Tongue
One evening I brushed my teeth (wow what a surprise!). Usually, as I'm sure you've all witnessed with your own tooth-brushing experiences, when you spit out the foamy remnants of your toothpaste, it's the colour of your toothpaste. Usually white. But this time when I spit, it was BLACK. I looked in the mirror and opened my mouth and realized my whole tongue was BLACK. I tried to brush it off but only a little bit came off. Well, as you can imagine, I thought maybe I was dying. I went downstairs where my mother and sister were conversing in the kitchen and said, "There's black stuff on my tongue!" And promptly stuck out my tongue for them to examine. We puzzled over this occurence, because I hadn't eaten anything that day. All I'd put in my mouth was Pepto Bismol tablets for a stomach ache and whatever I drank that day - neither of which were black. But thanks to the wonders of Google, I didn't have to panic for long. Turns out many people had the exact same experience I had...one day they're minding their own business, brushing their teeth, when they spit out black stuff and freak out. Lucky guess what causes this strange phenomenon?

...

...

...

PEPTO BISMOL TABLETS

Oddly enough, pink Pepto tablets have some sort of ingredient in them that turns black when mixed with saliva. Remind me to drink the liquid crap next time, especially if I have a hot date that night. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarhea! YAY, Pepto Bismol! (Yeah...not so much.)

Interesting Event #2: Cops & Robbers
My sister and I have started walking every night. What a thrilling life I lead, I know. When we first started our nightly constitutionals, we found a hat in the street. Then we found a pair of sunglasses. My sis picked them up, examined them, and then set them on one of those hydro box thingers that are bad for dudes to sit on 'cause it fucks with their sperm count. We kept seeing tons of police cars everywhere. We even saw some coppers searching someone's front yard with their sniffer dogs. As it turns out, the store around the corner was robbed, and the robber took off on foot and tossed his disguise. Guess who found his disguise? That's right. Me and my sis. Guess who tampered with the evidence? That's right...my sis.

Interesting Event #3: One Man's Roadkill is Another Man's...Dinner?
Thanks to that same sister, I discovered this Yahoo group in which people exchange free items. The idea is to keep as much stuff out of landfills as possible - so instead of tossing your unwanted items, you give them to someone who might actually have a use for them. Some people give away good stuff. Books, furniture, appliances, pets. (Not that you'd put unwanted pets in a landfill...) But seriously, some people give away the strangest things. A pepperoni pizza. Leftover Chinese food. Freezer burnt meat. A single panty liner and a single pad with wings. Roadkill. I'm not kidding.

So anyway, those are just a few of the interesting occurences that have occurred in my life. Yes, be jealous.

Two Amazing Movies That Deserve A Post All Their Own

2009-10-10T01:19:00.005-04:00

Two words: The Village and Lady In The Water.
Okay, okay, that was seven words. TWO MOVIES. One director. One lead actress. I don't care if you hate M. Night Shyamalan or you thought The Village sucked because it wasn't scary the way you thought it would be or if you thought Lady In The Water didn't make any sense...M. Night Shyamalan is a god in my opinion, so you can just stick that in your juicebox and SUCK IT!

I've seen all of Night's movies except for Praying With Anger, which is impossible to get your hands on and is also his only movie that he refuses to speak about. Aside from that one, Wide Awake is his only non-thriller/creepy/weird/supernatural/suspenseful movie (it was okay), and then we move onto the films that everyone is familiar with. The Sixth Sense. Great movie. But let's admit it, the whole "person we think is alive ends up being a ghost" thing is a little overdone. (When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense I...JIZZED...IN...MY...PANTS.) (Not really.) (Moving on...) Signs is a brilliant movie and I love it and I love Joaquin Phoenix even if he is all creepy and beardy now. Unbreakable was okay. The Happening...well, it was definitely creepy. Good storyline. But.....WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THE ACTING? And like serious M. Night...the dialogue? Suck much? And the casting? Like I have nothing against Marky Mark but he definitely needs to take a couple acting classes. John Leguizamo or however you spell his name too. Zooey Deschanel is one of my favourite actresses but even something went wrong with HER character in this movie.

ANYWAY. I'm supposed to be talking about the two best Night movies. First off, The Village. Bryce Dallas Howard is an amazing actress and we have a lovely reappearance of Joaquin Phoenix and of course we get to drool over Adrien Brody (who does an excellent job of playing a ~~retard~~ mentally delayed young man). I was about twelve when I first saw the movie and I was expecting something scary. Instead I got a love story. I was extremely disappointed and decided I didn't like the movie. It took several years for me to realize how beautiful the story is. (So basically everyone who still thinks the movie sucks is just immature.)

Lady In The Water also starred Bryce Howard and starred Paul Giamatti, who is pretty much the coolest bald guy next to Dr. Phil (I accidentally typed "Sr. Phil" at first. Is that like Spanish or something? We should get some bald mustachioed Spanish dude to do a talk show called Sr. Phil. How awesome would that be?). The story might be a little out there, but don't pretend like Harry Potter and Twilight aren't a little out there too. I don't usually get this mushy and sentimental, but this was a BEAUTIFUL story too.

So there ya have it. In my two latest posts I have presented to you eight of my favourite movies. Eight out of probably the 100 movies I consider my "favourites". These ones are just the ones I thought were the best in a "movie critic" sense...I enjoy a lot of crappy movies for one reason or another. But then again I think we all like watching crap every now and then. It makes life amusing.

PS: On another mushy note, these movies have the two most beautiful, haunting soundtracks EVER. Some kid on Myspace once said Emily Haines's voice was like a murderer running his fingers down your spine...I'm not quite sure what that means, but I think it applies to these soundtracks. James Newton Howard for the win!

Six of the Best Movies Ever Made

2009-10-09T03:07:00.005-04:00

So I've been obsessed with films since god knows when and in the past year I've been watching them more than religiously, going on movie rental binges every now and then. Currently I'm in the middle of one of those binges. In the past couple weeks I've watched so many movies I can't count and the majority of them sucked some really huge balls. I kept hitting the DISPLAY button every few minutes to see how much of the movie's runtime was left or stuffing my face with junk food to pass the time. (In case you're wondering the obvious question of "why didn't you just turn the damn thing off?", then let me tell you - I have a goal and that goal is to watch every movie in existence before I die, which yes I know is pretty much impossible, but I don't care. At least I have a goal.) So anyway, this got me thinking...since there are so many boring, stupid, horribly scripted, horribly directed, horribly produced, horribly filmed, horribly acted (etc., etc., etc.) films out there, what movies were actually great? Amazing? Life-changing? During what movies did I feel disappointment rather than relief when the end credits started to roll? What movies could I not stop thinking about for days after viewing? So here I compiled a list of some of the movies that are my definition of amazing.

FUNNY GAMES

I first became obsessed with the preview for this film, the American remake of the Austrian German-language film of the same name from 1997 (which I unfortunately have not been able to get my hands on), about a married couple who takes their young son and the family dog to their lakeside vacation home. That's when two very polite young men dressed all in white show up and ask to borrow some eggs. Before long it becomes clear that manners mean nothing and the two guys don't really want any eggs; they want to play some games. I know lots of people hated this movie for one reason or another, but in my opinion (from extensive research and viewing of the film) I think it's an amazing movie not only because it's creepy but because it's a film that makes a statement. It also begs the question...when a stranger comes to your door asking for some eggs, should you give them to him or slam the door in his face? Maybe smash a plate on his head just to be safe?

SPEAK

Before Kristen Stewart grew up and fell in love with a vampire, she starred in this amazing movie based on the equally amazing book by Laurie Halse Anderson at the age of thirteen. She plays 14-year-old Melinda Sordino, social reject entering high school. Sounds cliche, I know, but don't run away just yet. Something traumatic happened at a party, causing Melinda the call the cops - and before she had a chance to explain, her friends and classmates decided not to speak to her. That's when Melinda decides not to speak to anyone else either...and instead expresses herself through her art. I recommend reading the book before watching the movie, but both are equally moving.

THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES

I never read the books (they're on my to-read list) but I DID watch the movie...and although it had a few moments of cheese and "wait a second, that woman shouldn't be playing a six-year-old", I still found it extremely gripping. It wasn't one of those fantasy movies where it's all "Lalala, fairies, flowers, wow look at the pretty unicorn" - it's actually pretty freaky and kept me on the edge of my seat. The whole "let's save the world from forces of evil" is definitely overdone, but I liked the fact that it ignored such cliches as "you are the chosen one", "this is your destiny", "only you can save the world", blah blah blah. Plus, Freddie Highmore is super cute and he pulls a Parent Trap stunt and plays twins in this movie, so that's a total plus. And no, I'm not a pedophile. I said he was cute; I didn't say I want to lick his body. The mind you people have.

JURASSIC PARK

I'm not even going to describe this movie because I assume everyone has seen it. And if you haven't seen it, then what the fuck are you doing on the computer? Go watch it! Dinosaurs. People. Dinosaurs eating people. People shooting dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eating other dinosaurs. ~~Dinosaurs shooting people and other dinosaurs~~. ~~People eating dinosaurs.~~ Dinosaurs = awesome. Are you seeing the pattern here? Go watch.

THE JACKET

This movie is like the Butterfly Effect except you don't have to sit through over an hour of Ashton Kutcher. You get to sit through over an hour of Adrien Brody! (If you're like me, you're practically jizzing your pants with anticipation right now.) Adrien plays Jack Starks, a soldier who gets shot in the head (NO!!!!) in 1992 and contracts amnesia and then goes back to the USA and meets a little girl named Jackie and then witnesses a man killing another man, and then gets blamed for killing the man, but he can't say he didn't do it because he can't remember who did it. Then he goes to a mental institute where he's experimented on by being sedated and stuck in a straitjacket. This is when he goes into the future, to the year 2007, where he meets grown-up Jackie who tells him he died back in 1992. Therefore when he returns to the present (or should we say, the past?) he has to prevent his own death. I know it sounds a little sketchy and there are still some parts of the story that I'm not sure whether they're plot holes or areas of complexity so great I can't understand them, but the point is it's a really intriguing movie and definitely sad. Which, in my books, is good.

JUNO

Ellen Page. Michael Cera. A reclincer. Ellen Page + Michael Cera = shebanging in a recliner. Need I say more? This obviously isn't the only reason this movie is great, but as with Jurassic Park I'm assuming everyone has seen it - and if not, go rent it for chrissake.

Mmm, Drugs

2009-09-09T20:09:00.000-04:00

I went to see the doctor today and he gave me some free meds. Chill pills, as my mother called them. When I got home, I read the list of possible side effects. Looks like I might have a decreased sex drive, trouble achieving an orgasm, and erectile dysfunction. Good thing I'm a woman...and single.

Back To School, Off To Work

2009-09-07T23:34:00.004-04:00

I hear the telltale snap-snapping of binders downstairs. My mother's getting ready for school. She has her first day of college tomorrow and she's got new clothes, new pencils, and new paper. She'll be gone all day. Do I feel abandoned? I was asked this question today. The answer is no. I like being the woman of the house. Maybe the roles will be reversed and I'll bake cookies for my mom's after-school snack. I'll tell her she can't watch Wheel of Fortune until she finishes her homework.

My friends head off to their seperate high schools tomorrow, and one of my sisters is starting a new college course. She's going to be a dental hygienist or assistant. I can't remember which. Apparently she likes teeth. I've known her all my life and I never knew she had a thing for teeth.

I've always been home-schooled, except for a few short periods when I gave school a try and decided I didn't like it for this or that reason. So I'm happy enough to stay at home and read my 30-years-worth of National Geographic magazines and watch documentaries and go through Wikipedia page after Wikipedia page.

But I need something else to do. These days it seems that my mood is always teetering precariously on that fine line between euphoria and what I commonly refer to as "feeling emo". The periods of indifference give way as my mood either drops dangerously low or rises blissfully high. Unfortunately, the highs are shorter-lived than the lows. Both are triggered by anything. And nothing. I'd like a distraction.

I want a job! I want money! want to make new friends! I want to meet hot guys! And did I mention I want money? I've definitely tried to buy happiness in the past and it definitely works...until you realize you're broke. I'd been saving 100 bucks in my giant Tootsie Roll container for god knows how long, and then within about a week after That Which Must Not Be Named (*cough*break up*cough*), I blew it all on books, earphones, and a 50-dollar Green Day shirt. It's a pretty spiffy shirt though, if I do say so myself.

Anyway, the problem with me getting a job is that I've never had a job before. Or done any volunteer work. So I have nothing to put on a resume. Tomorrow I'm going to a cat rescue & adoption centre to see about getting a volunteer job there. I like cats. I just don't want to clean up any hairballs.

Here's to hoping I get the job (is it still called a job even without the paycheque?). And then here's to hoping I get a REAL job. With money. And a hot co-worker or two wouldn't hurt. And hopefully no dorky uniform. Pray to God.

JIZZ IN MY PANTS: THE MC MJ VERSION

2009-09-05T18:43:00.004-04:00

The night before last, I couldn't sleep. To keep myself awake yesterday, I did a lot of writing - hence the four blog posts within 24 hours. I also decided to rewrite the Lonely Island's "Jizz In My Pants". I'm considering rapping, recording, and Youtubing it as I did with "Show Me Your Genitals" - however I'm not sure if I'll be able to memorize the whole thing and pull off the jizz-face efficiently.

Anyway, here is my lovely little ditty. It's deep and profound, I know. Grab a tissue.

JIZZ IN MY PANTS: THE MC MJ VERSION

Lock eyes from across the street
We lock lips once our bodies meet
Grab your ass and skip the pleasantries
Let’s go to the old milk factory
Make our way through the smoke and traffic
I’ve got my virginity but you can have it
Move in close as my heart-rate speeds
I know you can fulfill my wants and needs
We leave the street and reach the door
You can be my slut and I’ll be your whore
You whisper in my ear that you’re sixty-four
And I JIZZ IN MY PANTS

I can honestly say this hasn’t happened before
Reaching orgasm used to be such a chore
But there’s just something erotic about the smell of old man
That makes me JIZZ IN MY PANTS

Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say I was raped
Plus we’re on the factory’s surveillance tape
So let’s show them how to have a bangin' first date
But first I’ll go home and change

I need a few things from the local KFC
Some good old Kentucky-clogged arteries
Sugar daddy left me heartbroken not trusting no guys
Surprise in my eyes when I walked inside
Below the combo menu I saw a girl
Made me hotter than any man in the whole wide world
Never felt that I could feel like a woman again
This woman made me feel more woman than any men
She turned my way and that’s when she asked me
“Original recipe or extra crispy?”
And I JIZZED IN MY PANTS

I’m afraid once I start I simply can’t stop
So I’m afraid we’re going to need a pail and a mop
Now I’ll just do some improvisational dance
To hide the fact that I JIZZED IN MY PANTS

To be fair you were flirting a lot
Plus the way you fry chickens has got me bothered and hot
Please stop acting like you’re not turned on
One more thing; I’m gonna need to use the john

Last week – I shaved my ass
As I recall it was a hairy ass
Reminded me of that time I shaved your back
And I JIZZED IN MY PANTS

Speeding down the track playing Double Dash
That’s when my go-kart spins to a crash
I realize Yoshi kinda looks like you and I JIZZ IN MY PANTS

The next day, I spill my coffee and I JIZZ IN MY PANTS

My grandma comes to visit and I give her a hug and I JIZZ IN MY PANTS

When the guy hits the propeller near the end of Titanic I JIZZ IN MY PANTS

I ate a red Smartie and I JIZZED IN MY PANTS
JIZZED…IN…MY…PANTS

I jizz right in my pants whenever someone’s standing next to me
And when I’m shaking hands, it’s like having sex to me
You call it unlady-like, I call it equality
If guys can jizz in their pants then why can’t we?

I JIZZ IN MY PANTS
(I jizz in my pants, I jizz in my pants, yes I jizz in my pants, yes I jizz in my pants)
Yes, I JIZZ IN MY PANTS
(I jizz in my pants, I jizz in my pants)

Witty Sayings From A Witty Woman

2009-09-04T19:23:00.005-04:00

My beloved best friend - Darci/Besty/Betsy (don't ask) - has been supplying me with witty sayings since 2005. (And making my life amazing since nineteen-ninety-I-can't-remember.) These are just a few of those gems.

“So if you, like, played the Tigger Movie, but put the F-word in there three times, it goes from rated G to R?”
This was in response to me informing her that if a movie contains three counts of fuck (as in the word, not the action), it earns itself an R-rating.

"Go for it! Pee like the wind!"
I had to pee. This is what she had to say about that.

"Darci - Icrad. Backwards. If my name was Barci, it'd be Icrab. Like iPod for crustaceans!"
I honestly can't remember what brought this on, but I'm suspecting crack was involved.

"I LOVE JIZZ IN MY PANTS!"
This is what she said after she jizzed in her pants, most likely after seeing a man naked for the first time. Actually, we were discussing that deep and meaningful song by the Lonely Island.

"Maybe he JIZZED IN HIS PANTS."
She said this once upon a time when I was telling her about my evening with a young lad who, while his head was bent down somewhat in an emo-esque sulk, kept glancing "sideways and down somewhat" in my direction. I puzzled over what this meant, and this was her suggestion.

"You should've smashed a plate on his head."
This was in response to me telling her what some jerko guy did. Wonderful suggestion.

"Just remember, he failed gym."
This was her telling me I'm smarter than someone who made me feel inferior. Well said.

"You should make a documentary about making a documentary about...butterflies?"
I asked for her advice on what sort of documentary I should make for a film festival, and this was the sage advice she gave me. Thanks a lot.

"And I don't think they bathed very often."
She was telling me about some socially retarded kids.

"I must say, he is rather beautiful in a manly way."
Being a typical teenage girl.

"He's confused. I bet he's gay."
Her solution to guys being weird and confusing.

"What exactly qualifies as gross boobs?"
Don't ask.

"How would you kiss a guy you've only known for three hours?"
Passionately and with a lot of tongue.

"And huge, watery lips. They were always glistening, like he just licked them."
Maybe that's 'cause I was snogging the crap out of him?

"Yesterday, when he accepted my friend request, I literally jumped up and danced for joy."
Don't worry. Been there, done that. While listening to "Sweat (A La La La La Long)".

"Can I call you Marmy-Poo?"
Please don't.

"That certainly sounds dirty."
This was said after I told her I had to scoop cookie batter onto a pan. I think I've corrupted her innocent mind. She now sees everything the way I do.

"I sound like a lovesick puppy."
As of late…yes…you do.

There you go, Betsy/Besty. You asked for me to blog about your amazingness. And you are indeed amazing. And funny and smart and gorgeous and wondrous and crazy and, of course, modest. I love you like a fat kid loves cake and I miss you like a fat kid misses cake when he's on a diet.

Rapping About Genitals = Youtube Stardom

2009-09-04T13:41:00.031-04:00

The following video is a prized creative achievement of mine, full of intrinsic talent and profound artistic expression. It is both insightful and controversial, a showcase of my mad dance skills, heartfelt lyrics, and superior intelligence. Those who have been blessed enough to view this video have been brought down to their knees in wonder, admiration, and - occasionally - proposals for my hand in marriage. It is with great honour that I bestow this heavenly vessel of artistic greatness upon all who visit my blog.

Just to ensure that all of you are able to experience the wonder of my lyrics, I have included them below. You may notice that a section of the lyrics is typed out in red; this is the only verse that was not remodelled from the original song. It is the sole piece that is 100% mine and written for and about a certain someone who would probably wish to remain anonymous - and purely for the sake of me not wanting to get in trouble with the law for defemation of character, will remain just that.

SHOW ME YOUR GENITALS

the MC MJ version

Men are stupid and I don't respect them

That's right - I just have sex with them

Show me your genitals, your genitals

Show me your genitals

Show me your genitals, your genitals

Show me your genitals

You're braggin' about stuff

Why?
I'd rather see your package

Now you're braggin' about other stuff

Why?

I'd much rather see your package

I can't have sex with your big-screen TV
And I can't put your car in my V.A.G.

And I can't suck on your Xbox 360

So why you showin' off all these things to me?

It's not slutty 'cause I'm saying it in a song

That's right, big guy, now show me your dong

Show me your genitals, your genitals

Show me your genitals

Show me your genitals, your genitals

Show me your genitals

Knock-knock

Who's there?
Me - wondering why you're not naked

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Me again - still wondering why you're not naked

I wanna see your cock, I don't care what you say

So just take off your pants 'cause I wanna get laid

Something-something in the month of May

Guys love my titties 'cause they're really big

Mens' brains are much stupider than womens' are

So they should always listen to us 'cause we're smart

Men are only good for three things:

Buying me things

Driving me places

And penises

And some of them aren't even good for that

'Cause they don't have jobs and they don't have cars

And they got small cocks

Yeah, you know who you are!

So show me your genitals, your genitals

Show me your genitals

Show me your genitals, your genitals

Show me your genitals

I can give good sex to you, 'cause I'm really good at sex

Awyeah, that's right...shake your...stuff.

I'm outta here, I gotta go have sex with a lot of guys

And just as a final note, yes actually, I do have a life...it's just that I choose to live it by rapping about genitalia in front of a video camera, with a wall behind me that I painted graffiti on with my very own hands (and a paintbrush). You're just jealous that you're stuck at a desk solving math problems or filing papers while I get to come up with new words for the male reproductive organ and sing about it. So one last thing...show me your genitals?

Freudian Theories My Ass

2009-09-04T12:47:00.003-04:00

Seeing as I'm often simply fucking confused by human behaviour, I've always been extremely interested in learning about psychology. In my reading (and conversing with people knowledgeable on the subject), I've come across some interesting Freudian theories. Namely, the Oedipus Complex and the Electra Complex - in which a child feels threatened by his or her same sex parent's ability to gain more affection than said child from his/her opposite sex parent, most likely accompanied by a sexual attraction to the opposite sex parent. Did that make sense? If not, go read something more eloquent and come back.

Now, I'll admit I haven't researched Freud thoroughly, but this theory seems a little fucked up to me.

Never in all my born days have I wanted to bone my father or felt threatened by my mother's position in the family. Not ever - even and especially when I was a small, young, innocent child. I didn't know what sex was. I thought babies were concieved when a husband and wife slept in the same bed and a magic seed magically travelled from the husband and magically found a magic egg inside the wife and magically turned into a magic baby while they slept.

According to the Electra Complex, the girl in question will first feel a strong bond with her mother until she realizes that she is not equipped to have sexual relations with her; at which point, she develops an attachment to her father. My bullshit detector is going off.

As a small child, I didn't know I was equipped for anything but playing Nintendo and riding a trike. I had a strong NONSEXUAL bond with my mother and I knew my father was a man and therefore built differently than me and I didn't know why but I didn't really give a shit because I was a kid and I was more concerned with seeing how much ice cream I could get away with eating and debating whether I should watch Big Comfy Couch or Magic Schoolbus. I never came to any realizations that I was physically equipped for certain activities way beyond my maturity level and comprehention. When it came to my father, I was mainly just concerned with whether or not he would bring me candy after work.

So Freud, maybe your little theories are just a coping mechanism to medicate the shame you feel over lusting after your mother as a child. But who knows - maybe if I research more, I'll come to agree with this theory. It's just that right now it seems a little too fucked up for me. And believe me - I've encountered a lot of fucked up things in my life.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry...NOT

2009-09-04T02:01:00.012-04:00

I just finished watching Love Story for the first time. My mother told me when she saw it in theatres back in 1970, she bawled and bawled. But I honestly didn't find it that sad.

I didn't get to know the character of ...great, I can't even remember her name. (*Googles it*) Jenny. I didn't get to know the character of Jenny well enough to (remember her name) care strongly for her and actually feel devastated by her cancer diagnosis. (I'm assuming it was cancer anyway.) I liked her character and she seemed nice and smart and funny and all that good stuff, but I just wasn't connecting with her, y'know?

As for Oliver, well...I couldn't really feel all that sorry for him either, because their relationship didn't seem like WOW! TRUE LOVE! It seemed more like WOW! LUST! YOUTHFUL ROMANCE! I SAY WITTY THINGS TO YOU AND YOU SAY WITTY THINGS BACK! LET'S GET MARRIED EVEN THOUGH WE BARELY JUST MET!

I mean, did I gap out the better part of a year or did they get married and move in together within the first month? Like, I know you're crazy about each other, but isn't there a saying like "good things come for those who wait"? Maybe she peaced out because God was pissed with them for fornicatin' before marriage* and rushing into things. But I'm not here to judge.

*My bad. Fornication ALWAYS occurs before marriage.

Don't get me wrong though. It wasn't a bad movie and there were definitely some sad parts. But still...I didn't cry. Or even almost cry. I almost cried last night while watching Lilo & Stitch. I cried my heart out earlier this year watching Dumbo and Beauty & the Beast. I even cried over Pooh's Grand Adventure.

I have the strange inability to cry over big things and the ability to cry over small things. Now, I plan on watching Fantasia tonight. Will I need a box of Kleenex? I've only ever seen part of it. All I remember is some trippy toadstools dancing to trippy music.

Time To Reminisce...

2009-09-03T22:02:00.003-04:00

I was looking at pictures of my cousin's wedding on Facebook, some of which featured my ex and I. For a split second, below a picture where it said "remove tag" I thought it said "remove fag".

I was like HELL YES.

Google Name Game

2009-09-03T02:42:00.000-04:00

I was bored so I played the "Google Name Game" - in which you type your name into Google, followed by "needs". What a productive thing to do with my time, I know. Because I typed in "MJ needs", most of the results were Michael Jackson-related. Joy.

Here are my results:

MJ needs some sugar.
MJ needs a band.
MJ needs a better real estate agent.
MJ needs a lung.
MJ needs to shut up.
MJ needs a new home.
MJ needs to be left alone.
MJ needs to grow old gracefully.
MJ needs help.
MJ needs to go away and molest some more kids.
MJ needs to listen to Kanye.

Yes, yes, no, no, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE, NO, NO.

Thank you. That is all.

Cutting Back On Cotton?

2009-09-01T22:47:00.002-04:00

Today, after I woke up and stumbled down the hall to the bathroom, I took a shower and then proceeded to engage in my various post-shower grooming activities. I know they warn people to never stick something smaller than your elbow inside your ear...but seriously, who can stick something as big as - or bigger than - their elbow inside their ear? I think maybe the proper warning should be not to attempt to shove something large inside your ear canal, because that could result in some real damage. Anyhow, I've always disregarded this warning and used Q-Tips as a part of my daily grooming regimen.
           But today as I was retrieving fresh Q-Tips from the bag, I instead found myself pulling cottonless stick after cottonless stick out of the packaging. It was ridiculous how many cottonless sticks I found, hidden amongst the cottony ones, masquerading as full-fledged cotton swabs. I realized that the bag read, "500 Cotton Swabs. Caution: Do not insert in ear canal.". And I thought: the bag should read, "400 Cotton Swabs, 100 Cottonless Sticks. Caution: Do not poke your eardrums out by accidentally inserting one of the hazardously cottonless sticks in your ear canal."
           I feel a little bit cheated, like this company is purposely mixing these cottonless sticks in with their cotton swabs and advertising them as "500 cotton swabs" as a way to...what? Save money on cotton? How much is cotton going for these days anyway? Does this have something to do with the economy? I may have to look into it.
           Admittedly, I'm currently using a generic brand, so technically I'm not even using Q-Tips. Maybe if I had actual Q-Tips, I wouldn't have this problem, but still ... I'd like a little more cotton and a little less stick.

Let's Do Everything MY Way

2009-08-30T17:22:00.002-04:00

I was told to blog about things the public is interested in and that after garnering an audience, topics of personal interest may then be blogged about. But I don't know what the majority of blog-readers want to read about nor do I really care. I'm just going to write about things that are of interest to me and people can take it or leave it.

However, I have no problem with adding popular tags to my blog in the hopes that peoples' search engines will stumble upon them...

Twilight! Bella! Edward Cullen! High School Musical! Zac Efron! Harry Potter! Michael Jackson!

Maybe if I go out in public and start shouting these things whilst jerking my body around spastically, people will think I have Tourette's. That would be amusing.

PS: Never wear skinny jeans on unshaven legs. It's a thoroughly unenjoyable experience.

If You're Reading This, You're Madly Attracted To Me

2009-08-29T21:12:00.001-04:00

I'd start off by welcoming you to my very first blog, but that would be a lie. I used to have a blog called 21st Mental Breakdown, which consisted mostly of my lovesick ramblings about someone I referred to as "Lovething". Well, he's now history and so is that blog. My sense of amusement is no longer snagged on one person's looks or charm. Instead of depending on someone else to make my life interesting, I'm going to adopt the philosophy that if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. This blog will monitor my attempts to keep myself amused and at least slightly sane.

I'm not really sure how to make a good first blog, so I'll start with a little self-introduction. You can call me MJ. And no, I won't tell you what it stands for because it doesn't really make much sense. I was born and raised in an area of Canada that you've probably never heard of. I have a dog that was recently diagnosed with fleas and two cats that daily succeed in driving me bonkers. My family puts the "fun" back in dysfunctional and my friends are retards, which may or may not be the reason I hang out with them. I spend my days doing productive things such as sleeping, eating, watching an endless supply of movies, playing GameCube until my hands hurt, and wasting my life on that soul-destroying invention we call Facebook. My goal in life is to be a famous novelist, living in a mansion in the middle of nowhere and writing two books a year that always make it to Oprah's Book Club and earn me enough money to fly my sexy husband - Jamie Bell, the British dancer/actor - and I to exotic locations such as Los Angeles, Sweden, and Australia. In my spare time, I'll play lead guitar and sing in a punk band, make films based on my novels, and spend my millions on useless junk I've always wanted to buy.

In attempts to succeed at my dream, I spend a large portion of my life reading and writing. Let’s just say that this blog is practice for my writing skills and also a stab at trying to get noticed. (I also just like talking about myself.) After all, Diablo Cody was discovered because of her blog. Sure, her blog was called “Pussy Ranch” and was about her job as a stripper and she was discovered by a literary agent surfing for porn … but still. I might not grab readers by the groin but maybe I can grab their attentions in a more intellectual way. However, I’m not sure if the things I like to talk about (kittens, hot guys, orange Tic Tacs) are widely considered intellectual. Oh well.

So I think I’ve wasted enough time here, introducing myself. In the future, you can expect great things from me. Rants about random, unimportant topics. Opinions. Observations. Experiments. You get the picture.

Sometimes you just gotta grab life by the balls and squeeze.